My Old Hollywood

I’m almost back to work and getting excited about it. In a month I’ll be saying “Why? Why did I want to get up at 4:30 am?”

And I am supposed to start a toxic cleanse and diet at some point this week. Yargh…

I hate diets. I’m good at them, believe me. You couldn’t grow up in the 70’s and 80’s and not be. That was the golden age of weight loss. All those fad diets…the Beverly Hills diet, the Atkins, the cabbage soup diet, you name it, I was on it. Always.

I was dating a lot back then so I didn’t eat at some of the finest restaurants-although I was there, picking at a salad-and I drank in the hippest bars in Los Angeles. Le Dome, founded by Elton John and THE place to see and be seen in the late 70’s. Chasens, I loved Chasens, they had fantastic chili there and one of my favorite bars!

Chasens

Musso and Franks, wow, that place… I always felt as if Raymond Chandler would walk in an order a Moscow Mule and light up a Pall Mall. It felt so old school Hollywood.

Ma Maison was a personal favorite. I saw Fred Astaire there! I always go on about that because I’m still such a fan. Ma Maison closed in the mid 80’s because the property it was located on sold. What a shame! It was so kitschy cool. It was in an old house on Wilshire Blvd. It was decorated to look like a green house, with big plastic light up geese around the ceiling. I know that sounds awful but it was very cool. It’s reopened in a hotel I heard, but I haven’t been there.

I remember the Cobb Salad at the Brown Derby, which was also torn down some time in the mid 80’s, was fantastic. That place was great for people watching. It was close to the studios so you’d see all these famous old time stars in there lunching. That’s not why I went there though. That Cobb Salad was to die for.

It was closed for a few years and people tried to save it as a landmark. Then there was an earthquake and that was the death knell for The Brown Derby. No one wanted to fix it up. So sad.

Wow all those great places. 385 North, Dan Tana’s next to the Troubadour in West Hollywood, Oh, Michaels in Beverly Hills…now that place was fine. Best pastries I’ve ever had. The Border Grill which, when I used to go there, was this tiny little place. Now it’s some huge place in Santa Monica. I’ll bet the foods still good though. I went to a lot of brilliant restaurants and all I remember eating were salads and lamb chops.

Sunset Strip circa 1984-my salad days. Literally/

Thank god for salads and diets because that’s what got me into the Rainbow Room and Gazzari’s and anywhere else I got it into my head I wanted to get into. Nothing like a good ass and a sassy attitude. The Roxy, wow, that place. This guy, Lou Adler, was running it. Great bands played there. I saw Guns and Roses, among others, but it was so small that it was hard to get into.
Even I couldn’t get in to see Bruce Springsteen when he played there.

In fact The Rocky Horror Picture Show was a play there for the longest time and Lou made it into the movie, it was so popular.
I used to hang out upstairs at the Rainbow Room next door, even though it wasn’t as fun, to me, as the bar downstairs. The Rainbow and The Roxy and that place, I forget what it was called, but it became the Viper Room, and Gazzari’s. The Starwood, Madame Wu’s, The Zero, The Anti Club and so many more. Hah, I had record producers begging to come with me because I knew all the cool underground places. I discovered Van Halen. I saw the Red Hot Chili Peppers about 1000 times while they were trying to make it big. Black Flag, The Mentors, Los Lobos, The Beastie Boys, so many great bands. Hollywood, it was SO fun.

Well, that’s what I’m going to be doing for the next few months, talking about the bad old days. Maybe you’ll get to know me better, maybe I’ll bring back some good memories, maybe remind you why none of us do that anymore. Expect me to talk a lot about food (and lack thereof!) and work (yay!) and my health in general (Boring) and my day to day…positive. Always positive!

But ya’ll are my sounding board so I still may flare up and freak out and whine and cry and kick and scream. My journey back to health is just getting started.

My 100th Post

I feel as if this should be a special one even though I missed the post date. I had it in my drafts folder!

I decided to make a list of my favorite things, places, books, anything I like, love, crave.

1. It has to be YOU. You came and read this post. You didn’t just click ‘like’ and speed away. You’re reading it. These are a few of my favorite things.

2. Camping and bonfires and lakes and mountains and that smell, that glorious smell of being in the AIR, real, fresh, unbreathed
air. Ahhhhh….

3. Birdsong, bird singing, birds floating on the pond down he road, birds in the grass, singing in trees, birds. All of them

well…most of them.

4. First kisses that let you know you just met someone special

5. Caravan Palace, Amanda Palmer, Ray La Montagne, and all that fantastic new to me music that I’m discovering.

6. Dinah Washington, Ella Fitzgerald, Dean Martin, Bob Marley, Led Zeppelin and any other fantastic music I’ve heard a million times.

7. David Bowie singing ‘Wild is the Wind’ and John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’ to name only two.

8. Libraries, old bookstores and old books. Actually any book.

Worth around $10,000,000 dollars…so if you see one grab it.

9. BBQ Tri Tip with a cooler full of beer, sunshine and the Stones on the radio.

10. Farmers Markets with fresh peaches and nectarines and strawberries and tomatoes that taste like tomatoes

11. Sitting in the sun with the kitties, chickens clucking and Bella in the shade stretched out sound asleep like a good ol’ dog

12. Swimming under a full moon

13. Riding a motorcycle in the fall when the weather is warm and the trees are changing and the road is twisty.

14. Dancing with your friends at a club and checkin’ all the moves on the dance floor, knowing you look great and feel energized

15. Kittens and puppies

Haida & Otis

Maru <caption

16. Screwball comedies, film noir, costume dramas

17. The sound that fast cars make when they are going full bore

18. The opening bars to any Jimi Hendricks song

19. Fireworks and that smell

20. The roar of the crowd when something awesome happens, whether it’s a race, a ball game, an encore or a goal

21. Traveling to somewhere you love. The anticipation, the sight of the road unwinding before you, the diners, the animals, the people, the landscape of America
U.S Hwy 1

And Canada

Oh Canada.

22. The smell of a man, whether he’s in a suit and tie with cologne or he’s just finished chopping wood…mmmmmmen

Deported for being too handsome! [/caption]

But this is more MY style…

23. Senior citizens, whatever the circumstances, I love our old timers. The best of us is there in them.

24. Old dogs and old cats. They are the ones who need our love and support and need homes and foster care the most. They are the mellowest and calmest of all. Been there, done that personified.

And last but not least…

25. The ocean and the beach. The hot sand, the waves crashing, the blanket getting sandy and the smell of suntan lotion

I love that you read this. I love that you were making your own list of things you love while reading this. You were, weren’t you? I couldn’t narrow this list down, but if you could name just a few favorite things, what would they be?

Happy Labor Day!

Today was a day to finish painting the new hen house. It’s Labor Day so why not labor, right?

I slapped two coats on it this morning, varnished the inside and took off to the dog beach with Bella and Otis for some dog time.

Both dogs had a good time, and I enjoyed my down time, too.

Now, my only thought is should I put bacon on the burgers or will I end up, as usual, giving it to the pups!

Happy Labor Day everyone!

Be Kind to Strangers: Day One

It’s all good!

http://www.gofundme.com/3yfbqg

Today was my Be Kind to a Stranger day.

It’s a lot harder than you think. Especially when you look like I do. I look like I have cancer and I have people pushing and shoving to get a chance to be helpful. To be nice to me. To let me in front of them in the supermarket line up.

It got to be a comedy routine.

At Safeway, The bag boy carried my groceries out and wouldn’t even let me take the one with the bread in it.

Another girl who worked there saw me staring into the refrigerated case with weird juice in it. The kind that looks horrible and sounds worse. Kombucha Mushroom Mango Life Restoring Organic Reawaken Revitalize juice with chia seeds. Or something brown. A bad brown. And the label assures you that there is NO SUGAR. It’s ALL Green. It has Benefits. I don’t even have benefits anymore so I was thinking ‘hmmm….’ She offered to get me a case of it from the back. In an effort to be kind, I bought one. Fortunately, they were out of the Kombuca Mushroom flavor….but it’s on order.

Then there was the tiny little lady, about 93, who saw me getting laundry soap and offered to put it in the cart for me. She looked pretty good, though. I almost let her.

I went for a stagger along Winslow Way, our main drag, all 3 blocks of it, and couldn’t find a single person to be kind to. Everyone was perfectly happy and didn’t seem to need any kindness. I sat and drank a weird juice, the chia seed one, which was actually pretty good (97% Kambocha) but had a strange texture, like tiny little balls of jello were in it.

I had nothing to do now that my grocery shopping was done. No one was crying or even looking pensive. Lots of healthy, happy people walking in the sun. Cute kids all over the place eating ice cream cones and not even dropping them so I could get them another one. I briefly considered taking one off a kid and throwing it on the pavement so I could, but decided against it.

I went to the local espresso joint and got mobbed by people trying to be nice to me. Offering me their table, newspaper, water, a ride on a unicorn…what the hell?! I just wanted to help them. Be nice to them. Then it hit me. Oh…

I WAS being nice to them. By being there and letting them be nice to me. It was a strange feeling. Again. It’s not easy letting people help you. It’s a lot easier to help than to be helped. So I took the high road. I took the newspaper too.

http://www.gofundme.com/3yfbqg

Trying to be kind…

Honesty-and the Side Effects of Being Honest.

Thank you.

You know who you are. You pulled me through (again) and I am grateful and trying to appear as if I am not completely insane or manic or as if I am a lunatic on the verge of nervous prostration.

Let me share, briefly, (oops, it’s long again but I just felt so GOOD talking about it) I swear, what brought on this feeling of despair and you can share how downhearted and depressed and nutty something like this is bound to make you…ready?

First of all, and most importantly, my other kitten died. Maru’s sister Shizuka. She had just turned 2 on May 5th. My sweet little girl. I nicknamed her Perfection, because she was perfect. Always had been. Easy to train, well behaved, pretty and sweet. Perfection.

she love’s the camera…

[caption id="attachment_4293" align="aligncenter" width="808"] Shizuka giving Mr Jones a bath.

I can’t even think of it without crying yet so I am not going to look at the pictures and I am not going to comment on how I feel. I know you can imagine. I tried to keep her in and she was not used to being an indoor cat and she got out. I never saw her again. That was a couple of weeks ago and I have given up hope. Please do not encourage me to keep looking. I have checked every day. I can’t bear to think of losing another cat, never mind that she was Maru’s sister and that I loved them both and promised to take care of them. I totally failed. Enough said.

The other thing is that I have been snowed under by bills. It’s not something I am used to and, frankly, it’s humiliating. I’ve always taken a large part of my self image from my ability to face Life (read: pay my way) No hiding, no wishful thinking. Well, that’s over too. I wish I could hide. (That’s a bad joke…) Still, that’s another thing that I felt I couldn’t write about.

I was worried that if my Mom knew I was worried she would worry…so I tried to hide my worry so she wouldn’t worry.(another bad, yet rather funny, joke.)

I was short on the rent. Humiliation factor is pretty high there. I had to borrow money from someone I hardly know except in a social sense. I couldn’t think of a single person who had $75. Not anyone who I wanted to let know that I was so broke I needed to borrow money. Are you following me? I tried to hide it from my Mom and my sisters and friends. I sat up at night thinking ‘What am I going to DO?!’

This person gave me a personal check and I think they felt sorry for me and THAT just about killed me. I HATE to ask for money and here I am asking a virtual stranger for money, or my rent cheque is going to bounce. It was really nice of that person and I wish they hadn’t told me not to pay them back. SHIT!!! You BET I am going to pay that back. Fuck that. So mad. I paid everything so carefully. I had it all figured out and I forgot about the car insurance and it came out automatically and BOOM I was going to bounce the rent check. Which I had already split into two payments without even asking the landlord if it was alright. I just sent him two post dated cheques.

ahhhhhh…

It feels good. Honesty? You want to know? This is my life.

I’m totally broke. I have huge issues with side effects right now, I am only 1/2 way through and I can’t work. Simply getting up is exhausting. My bills are overdue and Puget Sound Energy doesn’t give a rat’s ass if I have cancer. They want $374 RIGHT NOW! When the phone rings, it’s a bill collector. So I don’t answer the phone. I creep over and look at it, waiting for the answer machine to pick up. I can’t make any more promises about paying bills right now. Sometimes it’s not a bill collector. Usually it is.

I am not getting visits anymore from co-workers or even the couple of people who were friends. No one comes over any more. Not to see the bloated bald monster. It was okay when I looked better. They could take pictures and post them somewhere and say they cared. Now? The bill collectors call, mostly from Harrison Medical Center where they took me when this nightmare started. They want $1800 that insurance doesn’t cover. I can’t cover it either. They leave nasty messages. I delete them because there is nothing else I can do. Honestly.

Feeling good people! Not joking here. I can deal with this. Death of a pet, empty fridge, bills over due, rent late, getting threatened with no electricity, stage 4 ovarian cancer, chemotherapy, side effects. Dealing with it. Just like before I got sick. Except it would never have reached this crescendo of shittiness if I were well. Period. I would have been ON TOP OF THIS SHIT and dealing with it. Because that’s what you do, right? You don’t hide, you don’t cry, you don’t pretend…you DEAL WITH IT. I hit bottom asking for the $75. It was the moment I dreaded most. I can’t pay my way.

Honestly?

I am living on $98 in food stamps and the local food bank. The stores aren’t giving up any compostable veggies so my juicing days are over until the garden gets going. I have no gas to go to the food bank. My credit card is maxed out. The dogs have less than 1/2 a bag of food. The chickens, less. The two remaining cats I have are down to crumbs and one can of Friskies.

That doesn’t feel so good, but I can deal with it. I have almost $30 in the bank. That’s a bag of dog food and a bag of cat food. Maybe not the good stuff, but hey…

I CAN DEAL WITH THIS…I made payment arrangements with Puget Sound Energy…(gimme a rimshot on the drums…thank you)

I will have to say good bye to the computer. But all that means is that I write in draft and post all at once on Friday when I go to chemotherapy. And thank you notdownandout, it was a great and timely idea!. TA DAH…(another rimshot, please. Thank you)

And the TV. That’ll have to go. Still, I can go to Mom’s house to watch TV. TA DAH…(rimshot, please. Problem solved)

I feel like Steve Martin in The Jerk (best movie EVER)

‘…And thats ALL I need…this ashtray and this tennis ball and that’s ALL I need…and this statue. This ashtray and this tennis ball and this statue and that’s ALL I need…and this chair…the ashtray, the tennis ball, the statue and the…’ and so on..

I’m going to get through this, pay my bills down and try and keep Mr Jones and Ryka and Haida alive. Just for today. Please let me keep the pets I have left. Tomorrow will come. I’ll deal with the next crisis and keep my pets alive…just for today. Please.

Oh…and some gas. That would be awesome.

OH…ummm…listen. I hate to ask but what about a couple of tickets to the Star Trek ‘Into Darkness’ movie that came out today? I’ve been REALLY looking forward to it and I saved that money so I could go…no?

Okay…I’m going to sulk in my room.

A snap shot of my little town

I have been so busy the past week that today I am posting pics of the little town I live in on a little island off the coast of Seattle.

The part I live in is called Lynwood Centre. It has a pub, a movie theatre and a bakery.

<a

Pan de Amore

There is a new development going up across the street with lots of new stores…and art.

Lynwood Center from above

entrance to my favorite patio restaurant

current events

the marina

the ferry on it’s way to Seattle

Haida & Otis

My forest walk

I won an Award.

Lucky me!

I’m so flattered. Thanks to Mr. and Mrs. P and to MasonBentley for nominating me. Now I have to figure out how to post this somewhere permanent. And nominate and paste other blogs…hmmm. This will be fun.

Okay first of all I’ll link back to my wonderful nominator.

http://thepeckishkiwi.com/

Hah! I did it! (You can’t see it but I just did a ‘happy dance’, scared the cats and now I have to calm the dogs down. I do a wicked good happy dance.)

YES! Okay so by now you might be able to tell I’m slightly computer illiterate. No. I’m just new to this. That sounds way better. I started watching TV late in life. I hate talking on the phone. I don’t know the first thing about computers BUT:

1: I can dance like nobodies business. Even in high heels and I don’t care what the music is. I can dance. I can dance with bad dancers and cowboys and shy guys and close dancers and the twirler fellas that never seem to want to stop twirling you. I can dance with drunks and losers and other girls dates and all of them, they walk off the floor feeling good. Like they just made MY night. And usually they did. Except for the one combo twirler/cowboy who almost broke my arm. And started a fight. But that was at Bullriding in a small town and my side won.

2: I was in a movie called ‘Savage Streets’ that was SO bad it won a Razzie Award for worst pic of the year. Can’t remember the year. Really. It was the 80’s. The director and I exchanged words. I thought I was out of the movie and on the cutting room floor but it seems I was in a crucial scene (not the naked cheerleader fight in the shower scene) and many years later I received an excited call from a friend who told me he was watching a film and there I was. Hmmph…in one of those 4 movies for $2 marathon places that you go when it’s raining and you want to kill time and the place is full of homeless guys sleeping. Yay!

3: I worked in Yellowstone Park because I liked Old Faithful and the scenery so much I wanted to stay. So I did. Got a job as a dishwasher. We celebrated Christmas in July and Halloween in June. I dressed as a lumberjack, complete with mustache, and got lost in the woods trying to get back to the dormitory. Talk about DARK! Literally could NOT see the hand in front of my face! So, they found me, hours later, singing Bette Midler (I’m a fan-sue me!) under a tree.

4: I can’t fix things. I can’t fix one single thing. I’m not a fixer. If its broke I just stand there looking at it. Sometimes for months. Then someone else says ‘Hey, there’s a reset switch on that.’ And they click it. Then I do a happy dance.

5: I ride a motorcycle. A pretty big one. I love it. I haven’t ridden it for awhile because the last time the oil got changed the nut got screwed on too tight and I can’t unscrew it to change the oil and (see #4). I rode to California and back on crazy twisty side roads and I dream someday I will do it again only this time without the wind storms on the Oregon Coast and the danged hay spill in the corner in Calistoga that aged me 10 years in 2 seconds. Also that Denny’s I ate in. I would skip that too. I think it was the clam chowder. Never eat clam chowder when you are on a motorcycle trip. Also watch out for the exhaust pipes. Those suckers burn.

6: I grow beautiful flowers. I have a knack for it. I can happily sit in a garden and do the most boring, repetitive task ever invented and be perfectly content.

7: I have never said no to a food. Never. I’ve eaten whatever anyone has ever offered me, even when I know I’ll hate it. Just so I can keep open minded (and my record going.) I’ve eaten snakes, bugs, frogs, parts of cows you wouldn’t think edible, fish faces, brrrr… I’ve eaten some weird shit, man. But after all, you don’t know if you’re going to like it until you try it.

8: I’m adding an extra one cuz I think it might be a world record. I’ve never changed a diaper. Ever. And I have 2 sisters and 3 brothers. And they all have kids. And my friends have kids. Im a woman and I’ve never changed a diaper. In my life. I came really close once or twice while babysitting. I think my sister panicked after an hour or so when she realized who she had left the kid with and came home early to find me standing there with a clean diaper and a horrified face. Same with the bro’s. Close but somehow it never happened. Now, I just tell people with babies “I’m going for the Guiness Book of World Records. Woman. Never changed a diaper. Probably the only one in existence. In all history maybe.” It’s big.

So that’s some things about me.

Now lets see…what’s next? Nominating people. Can I nominate the nominators? No? Okay, lets see…

I like donofalltrades cuz he cracks me up. Like a fine IPA, he’s both bitter and smooth.
http://donofalltrades.com/

There is just no funnier writing on the web. I’m sorry, Mancakes. I know you just got freshly pressed and are probably busy as hell BUT…I gotta name names and you’re one of my go to blogs.
http://mancakestheblog.wordpress.com/

Love looking at fashion? This is the blog.
http://thecitizensoffashion.com/

Beautiful food, beautiful photos, beautiful person
http://sassyearlgrey.wordpress.com/

And sooooo many more BUT I have to stop right now and get some shut eye. Good night for now…

This is Good Advice that makes me angry. I’m filing this under ‘yeah I know fuck off.’

So this was posted onto my Facebook page. First they have to write up things to make it seem legit, then write a whole bunch of crap that may or may not be true, who knows where this info comes from, then there is some actually helpful dietary advice at the end. Followed by some navel gazing stuff that might work if I could get me eye to stop twitching.
This kind of stuff drive me CRAZY!

LATEST CANCER INFORMATION

from Johns Hopkins

 

AFTER YEARS OF TELLING PEOPLE CHEMOTHERAPY IS THE ONLY WAY TO TRY AND ELIMINATE CANCER, JOHNS HOPKINS IS FINALLY STARTING TO TELL YOU THERE IS AN ALTERNATIVE WAY …

 

1. Every person has cancer cells in the body. These cancer cells do not show up in the standard tests until they have multiplied to a few billion. When doctors tell cancer patients that there are no more cancer cells in their bodies after treatment, it just means the tests are unable to detect the cancer cells because they have not reached the detectable size.

 

2. Cancer cells occur between 6 to more than 10 times in a person’s lifetime.

 

3. When the person’s immune system is strong the cancer cells will be destroyed and prevented from multiplying and forming tumors.

 

4. When a person has cancer it indicates the person has multiple nutritional deficiencies. These could be due to genetic, environmental, food and lifestyle factors.

 

5. To overcome the multiple nutritional deficiencies, changing diet and including supplements will strengthen the immune system.

 

6. Chemotherapy involves poisoning the rapidly-growing cancer cells and also destroys rapidly-growing healthy cells in the bone marrow, gastro-intestinal tract etc, and can cause organ damage, like liver, kidneys, heart, lungs etc.

 

7. Radiation while destroying cancer cells also burns, scars and damages healthy cells, tissues and organs.

 

8. Initial treatment with chemotherapy and radiation will often reduce tumor size. However prolonged use of chemotherapy and radiation do not result in more tumor destruction.

 

9. When the body has too much toxic burden from chemotherapy and radiation the immune system is either compromised or destroyed, hence the person can succumb to various kinds of infections and complications.

 

10. Chemotherapy and radiation can cause cancer cells to mutate and become resistant and difficult to destroy. Surgery can also cause cancer cells to spread to other sites.

 

11. An effective way to battle cancer is to STARVE the cancer cells by not feeding it with foods it needs to multiple.

 

What cancer cells feed on:

 

a. Sugar is a cancer-feeder. By cutting off sugar it cuts off one important food supply to the cancer cells. Note: Sugar substitutes like NutraSweet, Equal, Spoonful, etc are made with Aspartame and it is harmful. A better natural substitute would be Manuka honey or molasses but only in very small amounts. Table salt has a chemical added to make it white in colour. Better alternative is Bragg’s aminos or sea salt.

 

b. Milk causes the body to produce mucus, especially in the gastro-intestinal tract. Cancer feeds on mucus. By cutting off milk and substituting with unsweetened soy milk, cancer cells will starved.

 

c. Cancer cells thrive in an acid environment. A meat-based diet is acidic and it is best to eat fish, and a little chicken rather than beef or pork. Meat also contains livestock antibiotics, growth hormones and parasites, which are all harmful, especially to people with cancer.

 

d. A diet made of 80% fresh vegetables and juice, whole grains, seeds, nuts and a little fruits help put the body into an alkaline environment. About 20% can be from cooked food including beans. Fresh vegetable juices provide live enzymes that are easily absorbed and reach down to cellular levels within 15 minutes t o nourish and enhance growth of healthy cells.

 

To obtain live enzymes for building healthy cells try and drink fresh vegetable juice (most vegetables including bean sprouts) and eat some raw vegetables 2 or 3 times a day. Enzymes are destroyed at temperatures of 104 degrees F (40 degrees C).

 

e. Avoid coffee, tea, and chocolate, which have high caffeine. Green tea is a better alternative and has cancer-fighting properties. Water–best to drink purified water, or filtered, to avoid known toxins and heavy metals in tap water. Distilled water is acidic, avoid it.

 

12. Meat protein is difficult to digest and requires a lot of digestive enzymes. Undigested meat remaining in the intestines will become putrified and leads to more toxic buildup.

 

13. Cancer cell walls have a tough protein covering. By refraining from or eating less meat it frees more enzymes to attack the protein walls of cancer cells and allows the body’s killer cells to destroy the cancer cells.

 

14. Some supplements build up the immune system (IP6, Flor-ssence, Essiac, anti-oxidants, vitamins, minerals, EFAs etc.) to enable the body’s own killer cells to destroy cancer cells. Other supplements like vitamin E are known to cause apoptosis, or programmed cell death, the body’s normal method of disposing of damaged, unwanted, or unneeded cells.

 

15. Cancer is a disease of the mind, body, and spirit. A proactive and positive spirit will help the cancer warrior be a survivor.

 

Anger, unforgiving and bitterness put the body into a stressful and acidic environment. Learn to have a loving and forgiving spirit. Learn to relax and enjoy life.

 

16. Cancer cells cannot thrive in an oxygenated environment. Exercising daily, and deep breathing help to get more oxygen down to the cellular level. Oxygen therapy is another means employed to destroy cancer cells.

Now, does this sound like its from Johns Hopkins? Anger, unforgiving ness and bitterness puts me into an acidic environment? Really? I need a loving and forgiving spirit to survive this? I need to relax and enjoy life. What great advice. Thank you. From now on I will take your advice. And not read anything else from alternative medicine people.

Why Does it Sometimes Seem Like Everyone is Trying to Kill Me?

So it’s the classic, I got some good news and I got some bad news. The good news is that my side effects are manageable. Of course this is coming from someone who isn’t sick, my RN, and thinks manageable is good cuz she can’t feel them.

The bad news is my side effects are making me feel like crap however managable my doctor and nurses find them. I once again made the mistake. I went to the library book sale and there was a book about ‘How to Beat Cancer’ and I didn’t want to pick it up. Walked away. Got a couple books on gardening. Looked at a thesaurus. Picked up the how to beat cancer book and sat down. Now I’m all confused.

No. Wait. That’s not it. I’m worried and confused and angry. Am I doing the right thing? This chemotherapy is making me feel terrible. It’s like having the flu while suffering from a terrible tequila hangover….and then you snort an 8 ball of coke. You are sick, achy, restless, weak, tired, jumpy, nauseous with a nice mid level headache that never goes away. Your foot is numb, like its frozen and no amount of hot water or fuzzy socks can take it away. Then you get the odd weird pain somewhere and you try to ignore it. Should you take the pain pill? The nurse said they can be addictive. When I asked how many I’d have to take to become addicted she seemed evasive. I only take one a day before I sleep. Is that too much? She wouldn’t answer. She said they were addictive. Again. So now I don’t know. Maybe just not take the thing. Until it gets bad. Worse. Just wait longer. I don’t know.

So there I am reading the book about all these different doctors with different treatments. They all seem to eschew chemotherapy. They say supplements, lots and lots of supplements and teas and exercise. They said that chemotherapy is a Big Business Trap. The Big Pharmacy Trap. Big Insurance and Big Medicine colluding. They don’t care about me. They fool everyone into using their drugs because they make money. But maybe these alternative guys are just, I don’t know, trying to make money too. And I don’t have money for all those supplements anyway, and how would I find out which ones without going to them? Maybe they don’t know what I have and their treatment would kill me. Maybe chemotherapy is good for what I have. Or it will kill me.

I shouldn’t have read it. I knew it at the time. I even got something posted to my facebook page about how bad chemotherapy is for you. Thanks who ever that was. It’s been preying on my mind ever since. ‘Am I killing myself?’ The treatment can kill me. Shit. Claimed to be from Johns Hopkins, which is a respected cancer treatment center, from what I know. But I don’t think it was from them. They wouldn’t post using all capitol letters, would they? No.

So now what? It’s so depressing to think I’m just this ignorant person. No amount of reading is going to help me. I won’t know who is telling me the truth anyway. This is why I DON’T want to know. Right from the beginning I knew this about me and about medicine. That its a confusing mess. I was hoping that by trusting my doctor I would feel strong enough to go through this with a clear vision of me getting better. Now, today, I feel trapped and undecided. I haven’t been juicing. We’re out of juice stuff. I haven’t got supplements. I just ate a cookie for dinner. It’s so stupid. I need to trust someone and I think it should be my doctors but…I don’t know anymore.

What a horrid post this is. I haven’t wanted to write. It’s hard to be creative when you think Big Medicine is colluding with Big Insurance to murder you. I need to think about something else. Like….like…I don’t know.
Something upbeat. Something about my treatment that’s good. Positive.

Bleh.

I want another cookie and a glass of milk and I want to sleep. The cookie has sugar in it, the dairy is bad for me and to sleep I have to take a pill.

STOP IT!

You know what I’m going to do? Have a glass of almond milk. Not eat the cookie and make some gluten free sugar free ones tomorrow. I’m going to take the pill and have a good nights sleep and I’m going to feel better tomorrow. Much better. I’m going to. That’s my plan. Right now. In fact, I’m going to call a naturopath tomorrow and find out about supplementing while I am on chemotherapy. I’m going to call about getting a chiropractic adjustment, too. Both of those treatments are covered by my insurance. And furthermore, I am going to learn to make hats so I don’t have to run around bald as an egg all summer looking like I’m hiding something. There should be hats that offer enough coverage AND stay on. You really need hair to make a typical hat stay on. Who knew? And if I am in pain, I’m taking a frickin’ pain pill! So there. I’ll deal with one dang thang at a time. Addiction isn’t an issue right now. My RN didn’t have to bring that up. I’m not face booking anymore either. That’s not helpful to me.

My list:
Avoid depressing people and books
Trust the people who know
Eat right even when you’re upset
Go to a naturopath
Get a chiropractic adjustment
Plan something fun each week you will look forward to
Design a nice hat and try and find someone to teach me how to make it.

I have friends.
I need to avoid depressing people, get out of the house, learn something new to keep me busy, go see a naturopathic doctor, get an adjustment, stop using sugar and dairy (again) and be committed to my plan. My plan was to eat right, trust my doctors, stay positive and be active. I can do this.

I can do this. FEAR means Find Energy And Rise!

The Beast in Me

Elvis said it best in Jailhouse Rock. ‘That ain’t tactics, baby. That’s just the beast in me.’ And seriously, nothing brings it out faster than the chance to nosh on a big juicy burger or a chili cheese dog. But now…food. The grocery store is my pharmacy.

It’s such a little word shouldn’t pack so much meaning into something so prosaic. It’s food. But food is what’s hauling my ashes out of this predicament. Food and drugs. Not the FDA. Not the USDA. The agencies that should be helping us seem to be throwing clouds of dust in the air and complicating issues rather than clearing them up. They don’t even talk about food anymore. They talk about nutrition. And, to me, that’s ridiculous. The nutrients are in the food. It’s not a separate issue. You can’t just add fiber to a big, greasy sausage and say ‘Et Voila! It’s got fiber. It’s good for you.’ ‘This cookie has extra vitamins. It’s healthy! It’s full of nutrients.’ ‘We’ve made a lampshade chock full of nutrition…eat this!’ Well, I’m not buying it. I’m all indignant, but we actually do need a pair of lampshades in the living room and the dogs would eat them if they were edible.

There have been moments when the US gov’t seemed to be on the right track. There was a time back in the 70’s-I know I know, me and the 70’s again-but for a quick, don’t blink or you’ll miss it moment, it looked like someone was paying attention. And who, you ask, was this person? George McGovern. The same guy who ran for president in 1972 and lost. No fault of mine. I tried and I was only 12! We got Nixon and Watergate instead. (It’s become fashionable to like Nixon. But that’s another post.) I won’t go into the whole history of the McGovern Committee. You can read about it if you want to, it’s no secret.

According to Wikipedia, (what would we do without it?, how did I get by without Wiki? All those trips to the library…) In January 1977, after having held hearings on the national diet, the McGovern committee issued a new set of nutritional guidelines for Americans that sought to combat leading killer conditions such as heart disease, certain cancers, stroke, high blood pressure, obesity, diabetes, and arteriosclerosis. Titled Dietary Goals for the United States, but also known as the “McGovern Report”, they suggested that Americans eat less fat, less cholesterol, less refined and processed sugars, and more complex carbohydrates and fiber. In fact, it was the McGovern report that first used the term complex carbohydrate. The recommended way of accomplishing this was to eat more fruits, vegetables, and whole grains, and less high-fat meat, egg, and dairy products. (Can you imagine the reaction of the Meat and Dairy, Big Sugar and Egg Industry? Can you?) To say that the
committee’s “eat less” recommendations triggered strong negative reactions from the cattle, dairy, egg, and sugar industries, including from McGovern’s home state, is an understatement. (Hah! Strong negative reactions! Lets just say they shit a brick.) The American Medical Association protested as well, reflecting its long-espoused belief that people should see their doctor for individual advice rather than follow guidance for the public as a whole.(I have to just say HAH! What a load of hooie. We’re all human type people here. We would all benefit.) Some scientists also thought the committee’s conclusions needed further expert review. (Probably by Monsanto.) Under heavy pressure, the committee held further hearings, and issued a revised set of guidelines in late 1977 (talk about getting down to business FAST. Late ’77! Incredible) which adjusted some of the advice regarding salt and cholesterol and watered down the wording regarding meat consumption. Of course.

Escabeche.

I made these pickled peppers. Using David Leibowitz’s recipe. So easy & delicious.
http://www.davidlebovitz.com/2009/04/pickled-peppers/
And I LOVE his blog…

And it’s just gotten sillier and sillier. Products on grocery shelves CAN SPEAK. They speak FOR you, in what you purchase and they speak TO YOU in what you believe you are purchasing. More than anything else, it was probably the McGovern committee that sparked the change in public thinking about the American diet. For although it set out to investigate the causes of hunger in the United States, the committee quickly found that malnutrition in this country covers not diseases of deficiency, but also diseases of excess. The whole process of shopping has become unnecessarily weird. Products that claim to be ‘smart’? Wtf…there are no guidelines for what is a ‘smart’ product. It’s the companies themselves who decide. So suddenly Frosted Flakes are ‘smart’? What? No they are NOT! There are breakfast drinks out there full of sugar and watered down dairy that claim they have antioxidants. Anything alive in this product was killed in the pasteurization process, as it should be. That’s what it’s for. So adding it back in is lame. It doesn’t work either. I’m not going to start going on and on about nutrition and health…oops, too late. But what I’m saying is…don’t be a fool. Buy whole food. Make dinner and breakfast. Make a lunch. All those food blogs I follow, DANG! Those people know how to cook. They make it easy to be healthy. I’m going to try and post some links…mmmmmm, links. Like sausage links….HEY! Wait…don’t get me wrong. Consistency is great. It’s even important. But don’t think you’re going to keel over dead if you decide to have nachos and beer for dinner, followed by tequila shots. I’m living proof you’ll survive. Even if you wish you hadn’t. Ahhhh Tequila…anyway, once you get down off the tables and your friends drive you home and your lying in bed with your Motrin and lemonade the next morning, just get back on board. Don’t start over. You never stopped being healthy. You just had some fun. Good clean tequila based fun. It happens. No ‘healthy diet’ is ever going to make you feel isolated and deprived. As my hero, Kris Karr says ‘Do what you can and know that any change is better than nothing.’

…and not ONE cookie damn it!

That said, it seems to me as if cells are acting stranger these days, dividing and conquering more and more people just like me. If eating well isn’t enough, if exercising and juicing and organics aren’t going to protect me…at least I’ll look fabulous. I’ll feel wonderful. My skin will be clear, my lungs will be pink, my heart will be pumping pure oxygen into my red red blood. Oh yes…I’ll be healthy. In a way. I just have to stop those god damned cells. Somehow. And I think I know how. It’s what I believe. To prevent cancer, to increase my chances, to prevent a reoccurrence, I am moving towards a plant based diet. Vegetables, fruit, whole grains and beans. It’s important because body fat makes estrogen. You make it too guys! These hormones can stimulate cancer growth. There have been studies of post menopausal women who had previously been treated for cancer that showed that cutting down on fatty foods reduced the odds that the cancer would come back. Great news-except I really love hamburgers and sausages. Oh well. I like being cancer free even more. So I’ll give it up. I’ll do my very best to limit my meat, fat & dairy to condiment portions. As flavoring rather than as the main course. Mind you giving up Tillamook White Chocolate Raspberry ice cream, that’s hard. It’s real hard. That might be the last 1/2 gallon I buy in the fridge. Sigh…but I’m doing it. A little at a time.

Right next to the frozen veggie burgers.

The plant based diet. The regular exercise. The stress management (gotta be the hardest thing of all for me right now. Obviously.) Because I want to survive. I want everyone to survive this. Increase their odds, improve their chances and STOP THIS!

I wish I knew the answer. I wish I could take it away from those young people, those mothers and fathers and sons and daughters. I feel as if I’ve done so much, lived so long, laughed so hard, it doesn’t seem fair that they should die. I would give any of them my next 20 years, I swear I would, I’ve lived and loved so easily and so well. But it’s not about fair. Or deserving it or right or wrong. It’s senseless. The way it chooses its victims. And I use that word conciously. I value my former life more now. Peace and quiet has always been my reward to myself. It’s hard sometimes to feel its worth it. I could have been skydiving or been Michael Jackson’s back up dancer or…or something. But when I look around, at my books and my art and my happy dogs and cats, sometimes, for a minute, I think I’ve made all the right choices. Even when I’m in that chair.