So it’s the classic, I got some good news and I got some bad news. The good news is that my side effects are manageable. Of course this is coming from someone who isn’t sick, my RN, and thinks manageable is good cuz she can’t feel them.
The bad news is my side effects are making me feel like crap however managable my doctor and nurses find them. I once again made the mistake. I went to the library book sale and there was a book about ‘How to Beat Cancer’ and I didn’t want to pick it up. Walked away. Got a couple books on gardening. Looked at a thesaurus. Picked up the how to beat cancer book and sat down. Now I’m all confused.
No. Wait. That’s not it. I’m worried and confused and angry. Am I doing the right thing? This chemotherapy is making me feel terrible. It’s like having the flu while suffering from a terrible tequila hangover….and then you snort an 8 ball of coke. You are sick, achy, restless, weak, tired, jumpy, nauseous with a nice mid level headache that never goes away. Your foot is numb, like its frozen and no amount of hot water or fuzzy socks can take it away. Then you get the odd weird pain somewhere and you try to ignore it. Should you take the pain pill? The nurse said they can be addictive. When I asked how many I’d have to take to become addicted she seemed evasive. I only take one a day before I sleep. Is that too much? She wouldn’t answer. She said they were addictive. Again. So now I don’t know. Maybe just not take the thing. Until it gets bad. Worse. Just wait longer. I don’t know.
So there I am reading the book about all these different doctors with different treatments. They all seem to eschew chemotherapy. They say supplements, lots and lots of supplements and teas and exercise. They said that chemotherapy is a Big Business Trap. The Big Pharmacy Trap. Big Insurance and Big Medicine colluding. They don’t care about me. They fool everyone into using their drugs because they make money. But maybe these alternative guys are just, I don’t know, trying to make money too. And I don’t have money for all those supplements anyway, and how would I find out which ones without going to them? Maybe they don’t know what I have and their treatment would kill me. Maybe chemotherapy is good for what I have. Or it will kill me.
I shouldn’t have read it. I knew it at the time. I even got something posted to my facebook page about how bad chemotherapy is for you. Thanks who ever that was. It’s been preying on my mind ever since. ‘Am I killing myself?’ The treatment can kill me. Shit. Claimed to be from Johns Hopkins, which is a respected cancer treatment center, from what I know. But I don’t think it was from them. They wouldn’t post using all capitol letters, would they? No.
So now what? It’s so depressing to think I’m just this ignorant person. No amount of reading is going to help me. I won’t know who is telling me the truth anyway. This is why I DON’T want to know. Right from the beginning I knew this about me and about medicine. That its a confusing mess. I was hoping that by trusting my doctor I would feel strong enough to go through this with a clear vision of me getting better. Now, today, I feel trapped and undecided. I haven’t been juicing. We’re out of juice stuff. I haven’t got supplements. I just ate a cookie for dinner. It’s so stupid. I need to trust someone and I think it should be my doctors but…I don’t know anymore.
What a horrid post this is. I haven’t wanted to write. It’s hard to be creative when you think Big Medicine is colluding with Big Insurance to murder you. I need to think about something else. Like….like…I don’t know.
Something upbeat. Something about my treatment that’s good. Positive.
I want another cookie and a glass of milk and I want to sleep. The cookie has sugar in it, the dairy is bad for me and to sleep I have to take a pill.
You know what I’m going to do? Have a glass of almond milk. Not eat the cookie and make some gluten free sugar free ones tomorrow. I’m going to take the pill and have a good nights sleep and I’m going to feel better tomorrow. Much better. I’m going to. That’s my plan. Right now. In fact, I’m going to call a naturopath tomorrow and find out about supplementing while I am on chemotherapy. I’m going to call about getting a chiropractic adjustment, too. Both of those treatments are covered by my insurance. And furthermore, I am going to learn to make hats so I don’t have to run around bald as an egg all summer looking like I’m hiding something. There should be hats that offer enough coverage AND stay on. You really need hair to make a typical hat stay on. Who knew? And if I am in pain, I’m taking a frickin’ pain pill! So there. I’ll deal with one dang thang at a time. Addiction isn’t an issue right now. My RN didn’t have to bring that up. I’m not face booking anymore either. That’s not helpful to me.
Avoid depressing people and books
Trust the people who know
Eat right even when you’re upset
Go to a naturopath
Get a chiropractic adjustment
Plan something fun each week you will look forward to
Design a nice hat and try and find someone to teach me how to make it.
I have friends.
I need to avoid depressing people, get out of the house, learn something new to keep me busy, go see a naturopathic doctor, get an adjustment, stop using sugar and dairy (again) and be committed to my plan. My plan was to eat right, trust my doctors, stay positive and be active. I can do this.
I can do this. FEAR means Find Energy And Rise!