You know who you are. You pulled me through (again) and I am grateful and trying to appear as if I am not completely insane or manic or as if I am a lunatic on the verge of nervous prostration.
Let me share, briefly, (oops, it’s long again but I just felt so GOOD talking about it) I swear, what brought on this feeling of despair and you can share how downhearted and depressed and nutty something like this is bound to make you…ready?
First of all, and most importantly, my other kitten died. Maru’s sister Shizuka. She had just turned 2 on May 5th. My sweet little girl. I nicknamed her Perfection, because she was perfect. Always had been. Easy to train, well behaved, pretty and sweet. Perfection.
I can’t even think of it without crying yet so I am not going to look at the pictures and I am not going to comment on how I feel. I know you can imagine. I tried to keep her in and she was not used to being an indoor cat and she got out. I never saw her again. That was a couple of weeks ago and I have given up hope. Please do not encourage me to keep looking. I have checked every day. I can’t bear to think of losing another cat, never mind that she was Maru’s sister and that I loved them both and promised to take care of them. I totally failed. Enough said.
The other thing is that I have been snowed under by bills. It’s not something I am used to and, frankly, it’s humiliating. I’ve always taken a large part of my self image from my ability to face Life (read: pay my way) No hiding, no wishful thinking. Well, that’s over too. I wish I could hide. (That’s a bad joke…) Still, that’s another thing that I felt I couldn’t write about.
I was worried that if my Mom knew I was worried she would worry…so I tried to hide my worry so she wouldn’t worry.(another bad, yet rather funny, joke.)
I was short on the rent. Humiliation factor is pretty high there. I had to borrow money from someone I hardly know except in a social sense. I couldn’t think of a single person who had $75. Not anyone who I wanted to let know that I was so broke I needed to borrow money. Are you following me? I tried to hide it from my Mom and my sisters and friends. I sat up at night thinking ‘What am I going to DO?!’
This person gave me a personal check and I think they felt sorry for me and THAT just about killed me. I HATE to ask for money and here I am asking a virtual stranger for money, or my rent cheque is going to bounce. It was really nice of that person and I wish they hadn’t told me not to pay them back. SHIT!!! You BET I am going to pay that back. Fuck that. So mad. I paid everything so carefully. I had it all figured out and I forgot about the car insurance and it came out automatically and BOOM I was going to bounce the rent check. Which I had already split into two payments without even asking the landlord if it was alright. I just sent him two post dated cheques.
It feels good. Honesty? You want to know? This is my life.
I’m totally broke. I have huge issues with side effects right now, I am only 1/2 way through and I can’t work. Simply getting up is exhausting. My bills are overdue and Puget Sound Energy doesn’t give a rat’s ass if I have cancer. They want $374 RIGHT NOW! When the phone rings, it’s a bill collector. So I don’t answer the phone. I creep over and look at it, waiting for the answer machine to pick up. I can’t make any more promises about paying bills right now. Sometimes it’s not a bill collector. Usually it is.
I am not getting visits anymore from co-workers or even the couple of people who were friends. No one comes over any more. Not to see the bloated bald monster. It was okay when I looked better. They could take pictures and post them somewhere and say they cared. Now? The bill collectors call, mostly from Harrison Medical Center where they took me when this nightmare started. They want $1800 that insurance doesn’t cover. I can’t cover it either. They leave nasty messages. I delete them because there is nothing else I can do. Honestly.
Feeling good people! Not joking here. I can deal with this. Death of a pet, empty fridge, bills over due, rent late, getting threatened with no electricity, stage 4 ovarian cancer, chemotherapy, side effects. Dealing with it. Just like before I got sick. Except it would never have reached this crescendo of shittiness if I were well. Period. I would have been ON TOP OF THIS SHIT and dealing with it. Because that’s what you do, right? You don’t hide, you don’t cry, you don’t pretend…you DEAL WITH IT. I hit bottom asking for the $75. It was the moment I dreaded most. I can’t pay my way.
I am living on $98 in food stamps and the local food bank. The stores aren’t giving up any compostable veggies so my juicing days are over until the garden gets going. I have no gas to go to the food bank. My credit card is maxed out. The dogs have less than 1/2 a bag of food. The chickens, less. The two remaining cats I have are down to crumbs and one can of Friskies.
That doesn’t feel so good, but I can deal with it. I have almost $30 in the bank. That’s a bag of dog food and a bag of cat food. Maybe not the good stuff, but hey…
I CAN DEAL WITH THIS…I made payment arrangements with Puget Sound Energy…(gimme a rimshot on the drums…thank you)
I will have to say good bye to the computer. But all that means is that I write in draft and post all at once on Friday when I go to chemotherapy. And thank you notdownandout, it was a great and timely idea!. TA DAH…(another rimshot, please. Thank you)
And the TV. That’ll have to go. Still, I can go to Mom’s house to watch TV. TA DAH…(rimshot, please. Problem solved)
I feel like Steve Martin in The Jerk (best movie EVER)
‘…And thats ALL I need…this ashtray and this tennis ball and that’s ALL I need…and this statue. This ashtray and this tennis ball and this statue and that’s ALL I need…and this chair…the ashtray, the tennis ball, the statue and the…’ and so on..
I’m going to get through this, pay my bills down and try and keep Mr Jones and Ryka and Haida alive. Just for today. Please let me keep the pets I have left. Tomorrow will come. I’ll deal with the next crisis and keep my pets alive…just for today. Please.
Oh…and some gas. That would be awesome.
OH…ummm…listen. I hate to ask but what about a couple of tickets to the Star Trek ‘Into Darkness’ movie that came out today? I’ve been REALLY looking forward to it and I saved that money so I could go…no?
Okay…I’m going to sulk in my room.