I have the best people in my life.
I really do.
You’re one of them. You actually clicked on a blog post that has the word cancer in the title and you’re reading this. A year ago I would have sped past on my way to a food or fashion or funny blog. I really would have and danged if I don’t wonder now why I was so blind.
There’s some seriously good writing out there. People who are going through this in their own ways, with their own tales of bravery, pain, loss. Things that scared me. Before.
I remember clicking a link and seeing all the pictures of people. Families standing together in a big bunch with a birthday cake, wedding pictures of couples holding each other, young women smiling with their wind tossed hair and a bicycle. A teenager with a dog, a policeman, a baby..they were wonderful pictures. And then I saw what I was looking at.
They were pictures of the ones who lost. They were people who didn’t win their battle. Posted by their families who were struggling with their loss. They were posting these pictures to say goodbye. To show the world their favorite picture of the one who wasn’t there.
Oh. I was so scared. It was in the beginning. It had just started for me and I was so terribly scared. It was MY family, it was MY friends, it was a baby.
I ran away. I wouldn’t read or write or SEE anything. I just wouldn’t. Once I got out of the hospital I just couldn’t bear the thought that no matter how hard you want to win, sometimes you lose. So I stayed in my room and looked out the window or I would drive somewhere and sit in my car and watch people walking in and out of stores. I’d watch the trees start to blossom and the crocus coming out and I’d panic. I’d think ‘This could be my last spring. This could be the last crocus. I have to remember this. I have to SEE this. I have to.’ I began to understand that this was the same as hiding. Not seeing things the way the really are. I was fighting. I had a good doctor and amazing nurses. I didn’t have to live like this.
I took my courage in both stupid hands and I looked. I read. I saw. And most of all I felt what it was like. I saw the pain first hand up on the 8th floor every Friday. I read about it here. I write about it.
And thank you for being braver than me. Thank you for looking at my face and reading my words because I really want to win this.
It’s not just the sickness and weakness, it’s the way cancer will suck you dry until you have no resources and no money and no will. The gofundme website is helping me remove some of the stress of trying to get through the last few months before I can finally go back to work.
I want to thank each and every one of you for your courage, your shares and your prayers and your donations.
You can’t possibly know how great it feels. Or maybe you can.