Home » Uncategorized » Merry Christmas. Really.

Merry Christmas. Really.

So I’ve been sulking.

I don’t know what else to call it. I sit around and think of all the horrible things that have gone wrong in the past two years and I brood. I’ve even asked ‘Why me?’, the immortal question for which there is no answer.

I would look at my computer and I just wanted to scream at it. Maybe I did once or twice. Everything turned black. My humor was gone. My tolerance was at an all time low. Who would want to read this shit? I have nothing to say. I am mean as a snake, as cruel as a house fire, as discerning as a rat in a garbage can…seriously, why would I write?

Then I got an email from a friend named Cheryl. And it was Christmas morning. Somehow she joggled something and suddenly I wanted to write again. I wanted to draw a picture. I wanted to punch my right wing Uncle Dave in the head for being an asshole and having asshole opinions.

I started feeling better.

It all happened in a minute. There I was sitting on the couch with my iPad taking pictures of my nephews who were trying to be enthusiastic about the socks and pajamas and ties they got (Did I mention I can be evil as well?)
I thought I’d read some emails while the unwrapping of gifts went forward

(‘Ooh look, a sweater that’s too short in the sleeves!’)

I got a simple, short email from Cheryl. She had cancer too. She has a tough row to hoe but for some inexplicable reason, she seems to get through it all without whining and crying and blaming and feeling sorry for herself. And she somehow, out of her crazy busy schedule, she somehow took a minute to write 4 sentences and, I don’t know why, but it fixed a broken part in my brain.

(‘Is this a coffee mug with your little dog on it. Fabulous!)

I tuned out for a little while and thought about what I do. The things I do that would inspire a smart, busy woman to take a minute out of her holiday morning to write to someone who has been unresponsive and silent for months.

Am I a good person? Am I a good writer? Can I be funny? Am I smart? Am I a good friend? A good daughter/sister/auntie? And then I realized…

I bought socks and ties for my teenage nephews. I’m a jerk.

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But not always a jerk.

I occurred to me that I think about you. Yes, you Kate. And you RedDog. And Jackie Mallon and Wingmother and Mr. Sugar Bears and Andra and Nate and that policeman in St Louis who is so funny and that young mother in the midwest who makes videos with her chihuahua…I thought about you all while I was in this black hole. It was something…it didn’t make me responsive or inspire me to write, no. But it made me feel guilty. And sometimes that’s a good thing. Just ask Mrs. Roz, my friend Cindy’s jewish mother.

I was guilty of not contributing. I didn’t even try to shine a small light into the world. It’s not that hard to do. I have a little, tiny, weeny flashlight in me and I just let it lie there.

I’m a jerk but not always.

I want to say thank you.

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Thank you Dora, for being on my new coffee mug even though you peed on the kitchen rug.

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Thank you Christmas tree for cheering me up and being so pretty.

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Thank you Walter for being so gracious about the Wolf tee shirt I bought you.

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Thank you Martin for the trip down memory lane.

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Thank you Ryka for being so cuddly and…and…never mind.

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Thank you all. I am sending a hug like this one to each and every one of you.

I’m going to write again. Even if I only have rants and raves and curses. I can make them funny, and maybe that will help me look at them in a different way. Maybe I will stumble on an insight and maybe if I do that I will find a moment of peace.

Maybe, when I am back in that chemo bed on Tuesday I will draw a picture or…write? I don’t know…but one thing I do know.

I’m taking the sweater back to Macy’s.

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23 thoughts on “Merry Christmas. Really.

    • Yes, I am accepting hug as I type, trying to balance a cat and a piece of very strange pecan pie that I made. I made a perfect pie crust, perfect filling, chilled the crust and when I took it out of the fridge I set it on the stovetop to pour the filling in. Made a little rum and eggnog…smelled something funny…it was the piecrust frying on the burner. Forgot to turn it off after making the filling. But its really not too bad. In a way…several hugs back at you, love.

  1. Laura Lynn,
    You have been on my mind the past several days so I was happy to see a post from you. Sorry to hear you are still in the chemo routine. I know that feeling crappy from the toxic drugs does not help put one in a jolly mood (my back decided to go to a pain level 9 for Christmas which has not been fun…Percocet is no long working which means I’m screwed and just have to ride out the pain, hence my knowing how one’s mood can be affected and take us to a dark place). I’m glad your friends email helped lift you out of that dark place. There are many of us here in the blog-o-sphere who care about you and are praying you win your battle against the demon known as cancer.
    Patrick

    • Aw, Patrick I’m sorry to hear about your back. That’s the worst, isn’t it? I am fortunately pain free (except for my feet but they don’t count-that’s what I shout at them a couple times a day…’I’m ignoring you! I can’t hear you! What was that?! Pain?! Nope, I can’t hear you. Quit punching yourself in the head, pain! Quit it!)
      Hope the New Year brings you relief and respite. Hugs.

    • This is great! I’m just reading your very nice comment and my cat jumped off my lap and is now vomiting under the night table…one moment please.
      Urg…RedDog you are my rock and anchor. I thought of you often and it made me feel like a jerk for not writing back. So thank you thank you thank you for being my friend and coming back to read this. I’m less jerky now.

      • I’m just desperately glad that my fears were unfounded. I’ve missed you…us…I can’t recall what I’ve told you and what I haven’t but let it be known that Nic and I are doing Route 66 in 2016 for my 50th…and YOU, my girl, are on a list of “must see” while we are there.

        And don’t mind the cat, I have that effect on lots of people.

    • I didn’t even know you read this Ms. T! Nice to see your name here. Cheryl is pretty special and so are you. Hope this Christmas has been as good to you as it has to me. I mean that. Went to Macy’s and actually exchanged sweater for something fabulous that, when I got it out into the sunlight turned out to be a rather odd shade of ‘midnight teal’ and not black. But after all who needs more black. Not me, not now…

  2. My God, Macy’s? What are you thinking? Let me send you some libations to soften that trip. Perhaps you should call a cab to get you there safely after we have a drink or two or three. Come do you thing in your own way in your own time. I think that I speak for many when I say, “We will be here for you”.

    • I know, I KNOW!! Macy’s on Boxing Day. What the hell was I thinking? Oh. Right. Getting away from Uncle Dave and his Blake Shelton on repeat on the stereo and chain smoking and saying inflammatory things about the American political system…does everyone have an Uncle Dave? I think they do.
      Shopping in Macy’s was relaxing by comparison AND I found a pair of jeans that make me look sylph like and slinky. On sale. Home to more Uncle Dave but at least I had some wierd pecan pie to make it all better. And rum. There’s always the rum. And champagne. I have a feeling tomorrow will be a trial.

  3. Yay! We love you too! Go ahead and get all bitchy. I like it. Hell, it makes me feel better about being all grouchy. I say it’s perfectly fine to complain. Just throw in a pic of Ryka lookin all spazzy and it’ll lighten it up just enough. Big hug back…

    • Nothing like a good bitchfest, is there? Ryka is always swinging between ‘darling’ and ‘I’ll kill you and your little dog, too.’ I wouldn’t have it any other way. Hope the forester gets there soon and you have everything you want and need for the new year. Hugs.

    • Mr. SugarBears! Just saying it makes me smile! Yes, I am making an effort to snap out of my funk. Even if it IS an effort, well…nothing good ever came easily to me. Mind you, a lot of bad things did. There was that time I met those identical twins brothers…but that’s another story. If I find I am slip sliding away, I will just think of you and Mr. SugarBears and start all over again.

  4. Oh hello there! I was thinking of you too. Thanks for keeping me on your thoughts… Just don’t buy me any gifts. The thoughts what counts 😉

    Sending bigger hug than ever for those crappier days. All health and good things for you, Laura, in 2015. XO!

    • Jackie, I had the perfect gift for you. When I read your comment I returned it because I didn’t want to be crass or anything knowing your feelings about gifts. (Besides the sleeves may have been too short.)
      Accepting hugs fo crappier days and banking them. After all, its the thought that counts.
      Love and kisses to you everyday in 2015.

    • Aw hey, Kate. I guess we’ve been having the same thoughts. I think of Laura too at strange times but it’s been a while since we’ve heard a word from her, hasn’t it..?
      Hope the house is coming along lickety-split! XO

      • I miss her voice. It’s strange isn’t it how there are a few of us in this ether that have never met..but there’s a connection. The power of words hey…house is coming on..but I want to breathe again!! xxx

There is no sin except stupidity.

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