The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes. — Marcel Proust
This quote really made me think.
I’ve moved around a lot in my time. No fear. Never that. I had confidence in myself. I knew I’d find work, make friends, move into the cutest little apartment, get the most fun room mates, discover the best things about my new hometown.
It was a voyage of discovery. One I loved.
Then I found a place I wanted to call Home. Real home. Grow old, live there forever with my friends, learn the back roads and the short cuts. Who were the best cooks in town. Who to call when your car was making a funny rattling noise. I wanted to be certain that when that rattling noise that I ignored for weeks finally left me stranded on the highway as dark was coming on, that someone would stop. They’d recognize my car and stop and give me a lift. Someone would drive out and use a beer can and some wire to jerryrig my exhaust back together so I could drive my car again. Girls night out was Friday, karaoke and wing night was Tuesday. I could drive the hell out of winter roads, I knew how to drive on a frozen lake. I did doughnuts and blasted my music. Confidence. Certainty.
I didn’t want to ever leave.
My sister told me that it didn’t matter where I was, I was always going to carry myself with me. Happy or sad.
I didn’t care what she said. I wanted to go. Again. I wanted to be close to my Mom. I wanted to forget the man I’d left. This time it was an escape, though.
And given whats happened over the past few years, I’m glad I escaped. If I’d stayed I would have died on that bathroom floor. I lived alone 50 miles from the nearest hospital. It was winter. January. The roads would have been bad. No speeding ambulance would have come to save me. No emergency surgery the next day. I would have died.
And when my brother in law died in that crash in 2008 that damaged my sister, my beautiful sister, and almost killed his best friend, if I were still there, I wouldn’t have been able to take her away from all those painful memories that were killing her. I was able to say ‘Look where I live. It’s so beautiful. Mom is here. Our brother is here. Family. You aren’t better alone. We are here for you.’
We love each other. We miss Shawn. He loved her so much.
I had to experience such loss to see through my new eyes.
I lost my brother in law. I lost husband. I lost my health. I lost my Fridays and my Tuesdays out with the girls. I lost frozen lakes, hot springs in the snow, fishing and 4 wheel driving. I lost a whole community. I lost my place. It was good I left. It was also bad.
But it’s not too late. It’s never too late.
I never dreamed for a moment that I could find another kind of community here. One that is just as real. Just as kind. Just as fun. Just as eye opening as the one I’d left behind.
Someday, someday I’ll go back there. And I’ll take you with me. Because you are also my community. You live here in my heart. That’s what I like to think. I’ll go home and find my place there again. It’s home because that community I talked about, they’re here for me now. Almost a 1000 miles away, they are here, like you are, donating, sharing my page, encouraging me, praying for me. And the next time…I’ll know what I have. I’ll take my new eyes and I’ll use them.
I’ll be home someday.
If you can donate to help me get this life back on track, to face my hurdles and start over without a mountain of debt and no hair I’d be so very grateful.