When I started this it was not with any real appreciation of what community means. What friends are. What love can do. Now I am beginning to understand. I drew a bad card. I got a bad form of cancer and they keep pulling me back in for more treatment. But I learned something from those nurses up on the 8th floor-the cancer ward. I learned that you can laugh anywhere. I learned hope from my doctor and love from my friends and strength from my Mom. I learned about hard hard work from watching my sister struggle with this. I learned to smile and carry on from my brother in law, Shawn, because we had to when he died so young. We are missing you every day right now, Shawn. I wish I didn’t have to go through this without sharing a beer with you.
I can smell a campfire somewhere. Its warm out tonight and my bedroom window is open. The moon is really bright. I wish I were sitting beside a river, listening to it run, watching the moonrise sparkle on the water, smell the bonfire, have some drinks, listen to friends laughing, telling stories.
I would like to be walking down the street in Seattle on my way to see Caravan Palace play at Neumos. The cars would be driving by, the neon would shine and you can smell the ocean. I would be wearing a summer dress and heels, my hair would be up, I’d be on my way to dance til the club closed with some friends. We’d already been to Canon for drinks and Presse for dinner and we’d have to rush to catch the last ferry after the last set. My feet would hurt from all the dancing and I’d swear off high heels until I saw the next pair.
I would like to sit at Calabunga Beach with my Dad and watch the freighters out in the bay while he drew a beautiful picture with his pastels and crayons and pencils. I’d like to hear him tell me about his day.
I want to walk to Point White Pier with my dog, Haida. He ran away and never came back but if I could wish…if I could have my way, we would walk there. I’d let him off his leash so he could run on the beach, god he was fast.
More than anything…I wish I were well. I wish I could do just one thing. I wish I could run. As fast as Haida.
I want to quit this.
It’s hard. For me, for my family, for my friends who have to see these changes. I want everything. I want to be able to just walk. That’s all. Just walk to the store two blocks away with my dog. I want to be able to write again. To have that focus and that vision. I want to be able to sing again. Go to karaoke and have the breath to hold a note and sing a song. To stay up late and watch an old movie and not fight exhaustion. To sleep the whole night through and wake up, spring up out of bed! Look forward to the day. Do something. Just something so small. Like walk to the store, write, sing, sleep…maybe dance again. In high heel shoes.
Maybe I will.
Please if you can help, for the next couple of posts I’m asking for some help. If you can’t donate, please share this link or just send me some good solid prayers. Thanks my friends.