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Maybe I Will…

http://www.gofundme.com/3yfbqg

When I started this it was not with any real appreciation of what community means. What friends are. What love can do. Now I am beginning to understand. I drew a bad card. I got a bad form of cancer and they keep pulling me back in for more treatment. But I learned something from those nurses up on the 8th floor-the cancer ward. I learned that you can laugh anywhere. I learned hope from my doctor and love from my friends and strength from my Mom. I learned about hard hard work from watching my sister struggle with this. I learned to smile and carry on from my brother in law, Shawn, because we had to when he died so young. We are missing you every day right now, Shawn. I wish I didn’t have to go through this without sharing a beer with you.

Shawn La Plante, my brother in law

Shawn La Plante, my brother in law

I can smell a campfire somewhere. Its warm out tonight and my bedroom window is open. The moon is really bright. I wish I were sitting beside a river, listening to it run, watching the moonrise sparkle on the water, smell the bonfire, have some drinks, listen to friends laughing, telling stories.

I would like to be walking down the street in Seattle on my way to see Caravan Palace play at Neumos. The cars would be driving by, the neon would shine and you can smell the ocean. I would be wearing a summer dress and heels, my hair would be up, I’d be on my way to dance til the club closed with some friends. We’d already been to Canon for drinks and Presse for dinner and we’d have to rush to catch the last ferry after the last set. My feet would hurt from all the dancing and I’d swear off high heels until I saw the next pair.

I would like to sit at Calabunga Beach with my Dad and watch the freighters out in the bay while he drew a beautiful picture with his pastels and crayons and pencils. I’d like to hear him tell me about his day.

I want to walk to Point White Pier with my dog, Haida. He ran away and never came back but if I could wish…if I could have my way, we would walk there. I’d let him off his leash so he could run on the beach, god he was fast.

More than anything…I wish I were well. I wish I could do just one thing. I wish I could run. As fast as Haida.

Swimming at the beach. He loved the beach.

Swimming at the beach. He loved the beach.

I want to quit this.

It’s hard. For me, for my family, for my friends who have to see these changes. I want everything. I want to be able to just walk. That’s all. Just walk to the store two blocks away with my dog. I want to be able to write again. To have that focus and that vision. I want to be able to sing again. Go to karaoke and have the breath to hold a note and sing a song. To stay up late and watch an old movie and not fight exhaustion. To sleep the whole night through and wake up, spring up out of bed! Look forward to the day. Do something. Just something so small. Like walk to the store, write, sing, sleep…maybe dance again. In high heel shoes.

Maybe I will.

It isn’t much. image

Please if you can help, for the next couple of posts I’m asking for some help. If you can’t donate, please share this link or just send me some good solid prayers. Thanks my friends.

http://www.gofundme.com/3yfbqg

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18 thoughts on “Maybe I Will…

  1. Sending you my prayers – everything shall be good. Please keep going, it is worth it! Carry on blogging and sharing your thoughts. Always reading your posts. Remember : laughing is the best medicine (at least this is what the Germans say)!!

    • Thank you Sam. I am truly feeling better. I think I’ve got this beat! Today I walked my sister’s dog to the beach and back. It isn’t far, but I did it! Feeling good!!!

      • Chin is up. And you know what I noticed? My neck looks quite willowy and my jaw doesn’t look so saggy. You may be on to something Sam. How to look younger instantly? Chin up and smile!

      • I know it sounds cliche but keep the positive thinking. I am a strong believer in the Law of Attraction. I have lived long enough to witness it over and over again in my life that when you want something so much, so badly, even the universe will conspire to help you get it. It works for me whenever I put on my positive hat. Sometimes it comes not as fast but it will arrive. πŸ˜€

      • Sam, you not only look like an angel, with that big, beautiful smile, but you act like one too. I am going to start envisioning my own Law of Attraction. In it will be fun and love and food and family and friends. My own version of bonding tools. Thank you for inspiring me.

      • You are who you think you are and you become what you think and act. Have fun with your own bonding tools. It will be great I promise πŸ˜€

    • Always! Well…usually. Today I spilled coffee on my favorite robe and found my cat sitting on the iPad and I, in a moment of madness, bought some marked down perennials (they had to be rescued, it was FLOWER abuse!) and now I have to go plant them before it gets hot out and that means digging holes. But I feel better every day so dang it, I’m going to dig some danged holes. And that’s that!

  2. Andra,
    You know how much it means to me to have you as a friend here. You were one of my first followers and your encouragement and support meant so much to me. But I didn’t know that you and your writing would get me through some of the worst days of my treatment. Your cheerful support, unwavering, has become an inspiration.

    I just want to tell you again, so you really really know, without a doubt, absolutely, that you are wonderful on so many levels. Creative, talented, smart, funny and caring, just to put a few out there.
    Whenever I felt poopy, I would see your name on my post and I’d smile. Not because of what you said, although I have and do smile at that, but just because you were THERE.
    You make me feel special. Because YOU are.

    • I love your spirit. You are such a kind person. It’s true I couldn’t leave those flowers to wither away. You should see them now. They’re already perking up and looking around at their new home. Just needed a little TLC. Don’t we all?

  3. Pingback: The Show Must Go On | The Accidental Cootchie Mama

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