So, I haven’t been posting lately because I feel terrible. I have been trying to fight off depression and trying to get my strength back now that I am done with chemotherapy.
It’s harder than I thought.
I was ready to celebrate. Instead, I feel so…terrible. I have to say I’m not thinking clearly lately. Things have gotten so far away from my control that I’m starting to hide. Pretending that if I just get through one more day…just one, that things will get better. How, I don’t know.
I feel wracking envy of what other people have. I’m ashamed of myself. It’s just things that they can do that I can’t. Things they have that I can’t have. I thought if I could just act normally, things would BE normal.
I hate this. I hate to post things like this. It smacks of whining. I’d rather kick and scream and fight. Not sink, whining and beaten, to the ground.
But I am so lost. I’ve lost myself. I have to get back up. I have to fight again and I’m so tired right now. I just want to sit. Isn’t that terrible? I love to read. Blogs. Books. News…read and read. It’s not good. It’s escapism and I need to focus. Right now. Not tomorrow. And as much as I know this, it can’t seem to penetrate. I cry at everything. Everything. God, it’s so tiring to ask for help especially when you know you are going to burst into tears. It’s humiliating.
It really is. I can’t just sit. Things don’t get done. I sat and stared into space for the past 2 weeks and now all hell is breaking loose. Again.
I lost my insurance coverage, including the $221 a week I was living on. I can’t fill my prescriptions and the rent isn’t paid. In fact none of the bills are. So what did I do? I bought a car. Is that thinking clearly? I needed a car. It was a good deal. I bought it before I knew my insurance was ending. But I can’t seem to deal with anything anymore. Chemo kicked my brains ass. I feel like I lost half my I.Q. and then some.
I can’t confront anyone about what is making me unhappy. I can’t talk to anyone without crying. I can’t DO anything. I sit. And sit. And sit…I stare at the wall. Out a window. A book, anything to prevent me from thinking of my life.
My one time life. I need to get up. I need to stop crying.
That’s how I feel.
I got up today and took Otis to the dog beach. I didn’t want to. I miss Haida and it reminds me of him. But I went. I sat and cried there, hiding it because there were people. But I went. I walked on the beach.
And I wondered why some people have it so much harder than me and they handle it. They keep going. They don’t lose thier spirit. They take time for other people. They stay involved and aware.
Not like me. I just sat there and watched my life crash. But now…I have to face the wreckage. That’s what it is now…my wreckage. My smoking ruin.
It’s a start.