Home » Chemotherapy » Haida is Gone…

Haida is Gone…

Haida at a hat party.

Haida at a hat party.

My dog is gone.

Last seen May 27th, at 8am, running into the bushes behind the house to retrieve a football. Today it will be two weeks. I’ve spent the ensuing days searching for him. I’ve done everything, including keeping my hopes up and thinking positive and looking and looking and driving around and looking and putting up posters and talking to people.

Please do not condole with me. Please just accept that this post is a lousy one, that my dog is gone, like my kittens, and that I am hoping that by putting this out there it will stop hurting me so badly.
I know you feel for me. That’s accepted. I really couldn’t feel worse at this moment so I am not going to read any comments attached here or come back and look at this post. I’ve spent the past two weeks thinking positive and I was so sure I would get him back for the first 5 days. Then hope turns to doubt. Then the worry turns to agony. And you stop believing and start thinking horrible things. I can’t look at pictures of him yet.

I watched him be born. I could hold him in my hand. I taught him to play games. He was really smart. He learned ‘Target’ where I would put a plate or a toy or anything on the ground and point to it and say ‘This is your Target’ then I would walk away and he would be bouncing around, excited, and I would call him over and have him sit and then I would say ‘Go see your Target’ and he would run over and touch it with his paw. He learned that game so fast. It was a good one cuz we could play it in the house. I would put his target down and go into another room and say ‘Go see’ and then we would both run over to whichever room it was in because sometimes he would just tap in the direction of the target, he wouldn’t touch it. That was cheating. So he would smile at me, he knew he was supposed to touch it, just trying it on to see if I would let it slide this time. He had learned all silent hand signals for ‘sit’, ‘stay’, ‘come’ and ‘go see’ which meant he could go see the people or dogs he wanted to go see at the beach or where ever. He learned voice command by the time he was 2 months old. Sometimes I would be feeling horrid because of the chemo and he would lay his head on the bed and sigh really loud. Just staring at me and looking so worried. He would bring me things to make me feel better. Gross dog things. His drooly toys, his bone, his deflated football…

his chewed up bone, sure fix to make me feel better

his chewed up bone, sure fix to make me feel better

How do you get over these things? It’s so wrong. I had good numbers and now my white blood cell count is so low they are thinking of stopping or delaying chemotherapy. That was my good news yesterday. I was boarderline so they gave me it…and now we are waiting and seeing and I can’t help them because I am so stressed out and unhappy. But I can’t keep on like this.

I have run out of pre-written travel posts. I have to write about other things and start to accept this. I just feel like I’m letting him down.
I’m never going to give up, though. Never. I’m going to write about other things and when I go out for my daily drive to find Haida I will put up more flyers and do my crying then.

I will never give up hope. He might come back, but after two weeks, I no longer believe he will. Someone had him or he’s dead. I hope it’s a nice someone but frankly, who would steal someones pet dog. He was wearing tags etc…he’s dead or someone horrible who would steal a dog has him. Oh god…no. I can’t think of it. He’s probably dead or something…right?

I’m not the only one who misses him. Otis is Haida’s brother and he is partially blind. He used Haida as a seeing eye dog and frankly it was because of the bond between the two that I chose to keep Haida. That and because I loved him so. And Otis needed him. Now, Otis lies on the floor at the foot of my bed and chews all his fur off. I can’t make him stop except by putting vile lotion on it and he hates it and now he cringes when he sees me. If I take him out he runs in circles. If I take him to the beach he digs a hole in the sand and lies in it until we leave. It’s breaking my heart. I can’t be his eyes.

Otis is very sad

Otis is very sad

They were never too far from each other.

They were never too far from each other.

Vanished like Shizuka. I’ve resigned myself to her loss, as I’ve done with Maru. At least I could bury Maru. At least I have certain knowledge of where she is and what happened to her. Horrid knowledge. But I accepted it. With tears. To this day. I cry.

Maru

Maru

But when you lose a pet and you can’t FIND her. When she gets out a screened window and you never see her again, you wonder. Every day you ask yourself what happened. Was it fast? Did it hurt? Was she scared? Is she still out there? Is she lost? Hungry? Does someone have her? Maybe she has a better home. Maybe she is alive and well. Maybe…
but you know she isn’t. And you wonder…again. Was it fast…

Shizuka

Shizuka

Now my dog is gone.

Haida and my nephew

Haida and my nephew

Where is he? Why is this happening to me? Why are my pets disappearing?

Swimming at the beach. He loved the beach.

Swimming at the beach. He loved the beach.

I have put up signs, I have posted his picture on line, I’ve gone to the SPCA. Where is my DOG!? WHAT HAPPENED!!! I’m totally not equipped to deal with this right now. He was the reason I got out of the house. I have to take Haida for a walk. I have to take Haida to the Commons for a biscuit. Haida needs to go to the dog park, the beach, the library the market the ice cream store he was my dog. He was my dog. Haida went everywhere with me. If I started the car he got in. There was no question of leaving him beind. Ever. Except now he’s left me behind.

Haida wondering why we haven 't gone to the beach yet.

Haida wondering why we haven ‘t gone to the beach yet.

So you ask yourself was it fast? Did it hurt? Was he scared? Is he hungry? Is he out there? Where is my Haida pup?

Why is this happening to me? Why?

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5 thoughts on “Haida is Gone…

  1. Gutted. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  2. I had the same thing happen to my cat, my beloved baby Moki. For 2 weeks I held out flyers, got up, at midnight to scour the neighborhood, walk every inch over and over. One day a neighbor stopped by and said there was noise and movement in her garage and did I want to check? I ran over, and in their nightmare of a garage I began calling her name. Nothing. Then I sat down and just kept quietly calling her. Finally a feral-like cat came out, skeletal, eyes black wide. It was Moki. It took her quite a while to recover from the trauma and I don’t understand why she hid, but I did get her back. But it was so agonizing, every damn minute made me stark raving crazy. I cant imagine adding all the crap with cancer on to it. You have my very deepest sympathy for this terrible situation.

There is no sin except stupidity.

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