It’s beautiful. Today I feel beautiful, too. It’s sunny and warm, they say its going to be in the 70’s (lower 70’s, but who’s counting)
Today I like to think all I need is sunshine, warmth, a couple of dogs and a car and I’m going to be fine. Everyday is a struggle for someone-everyone?-somewhere. Even if its something simple, such as putting sugar in your coffee when you swore off it, or something big, like feeling horrid because you have cancer. It doesn’t matter what your problem is, sometimes all you need is a word of encouragement (thanks Karen!), maybe you read something funny (thanks Dimwit and Donofalltrades) or maybe it’s about someone else’s struggle. Jennwith2ns gave me pause. She’s a Christian. Capitol C type Christian. She wrote a post about not judging people because it isn’t her job to judge people. That’s kind of it in a nutshell. The reason it made me think, though, I mean, I KNOW I’m not up to judging the how’s and whys and wheretofore’s of what makes people tick, but it made me think, really think hard, about my illness. And my response to other people. If they are uncomfortable around me, avoid me, laugh to loudly at a bad pun I made, or just slowly fade out, who am I to judge them?
My illness, no no no, THIS illness-just to make sure I don’t ‘own’ it-is making me uncomfortable too! More than uncomfortable, really. But what it shouldn’t be doing is making me wonder at my friends and families response to it. It’s natural to not want to watch someone suffer. Or something suffer. We want to help. We need to help. It’s one of the most ancient responses we have. If it weren’t we would have quickly died off this planet and left it to some other (better?) species.
So when I read the post, since removed, about how hurt and angry I was, how jealous and bitter I felt about other cancer patients with groups of people who were better able to deal with their friends suffering, it made me feel small. I don’t need cheerleaders(but thanks Kate at MasonBentley-you made me laugh out loud with your cheer! Do they even HAVE cheerleaders in England? Because you’re a natural!)
After thinking it through, hard and long, I am going to stop feeling sorry for myself. Well, not entirely. I mean, shit, this totally sucks rocks, this cancer thing. But I am going to try, really TRY, to think positively especially with regards to my family and friends. I’m going to cut them some slack and if I am at home and alone or feeling lonely, I am going to DO something. Like maybe learn PhotoShop. Then I can PhotoShop pictures of me doing something fabulous, if untrue. With unicorns. Rainbows. Bottles of vodka.
I may be too worn out to take the dogs to the beach, too tired to go anywhere, but I can at least stay on top of my game. Maybe I’ll take up something new. Like tortilla making. Or hat making. There’s a thought. It could be a fun past time. Anyway, not the point.
The point is that I learned something from a Christian. What a thought! One of those finger pointing, intolerant, mean spirited, judgmental Christians. Except jennwith2ns isn’t. She was nice about it. Nice, even, to the finger pointing, intolerant, mean spirited, judgmental Christians, which I actually have a problem with. I think someone should SAY something when people are that way. They won’t listen to ME. But they might listen to their whatever you call ’ems, pastors or priests or grand poobahs…or their fellow parishioners. Just saying. Trying not to be judgmental, but it’s baby steps here.
Okay, I’m going out. Mom and my sister are taking me out to Port Townsend with the dogs and a picnic lunch. It’s sunny. It’s warm. Its April. It’s the Pacific Northwest, so it’s a miracle.
See, it’s like reading ONE little Christian post and I got a miracle!
Oh shit…now they’re all going to be mad, aren’t they?