Home » Cancer » Thick as a Brick? Driving lessons for Morons

Thick as a Brick? Driving lessons for Morons

Bikes first

Okay, I wanted to just write a nice post. No getting all spiny. But I just have to say ONE THING!

To the Insane Cow driving the carpool van, (read giant thing that seats 12)

I don’t know where you get liquored up at 6:45 am. At that time of the morning the bars here on the island are closed, so I have to assume your drunk ass crazy driving was the result of you downing that bottle of your Grandmas green creme de menthe that you stole.

Then the motorcyclists

When the bicycles load, we wait politely. Then it’s the chance for motorcycles and riders…got it? We wait til they are on the ferry and stopped. THEN we get a wave and the car pool lane loads. There were only 3 cars with car pool passes. I have one because I get really really sick from car rides, car fumes and bad drivers. You were the 3rd car. In other words, you were last in line. So why you felt you needed to FUCKING WELL PASS US ALL ON THE FERRY, are you following me dimwit? You passed us ON THE FERRY DECK loading, you made everyone who works there dive for cover, you scared the bicyclists, you pissed off the motorcyclists and I suddenly decided I needed to meet you after you swerved in front of my beloved Mom and made her slam on the brakes, thereby shoving the seat belt into my chemo port (which hurts like fuck!)

Now my beloved Mom, who is the only one who drives me to chemotherapy EVER because no one else can be bothered, was rattled. And I was rattling her more because I was trying to get OUT OF THE VAN TO THROW YOU OVERBOARD. but mom said no. She said no several times until we were laughing. We had a muffin. With tea. So civilized.

However,

If you ever endanger my mother, the ferry workers, the motorcyclists and bicyclists who loaded before us -and just in case you didn’t know, they load them so they won’t be RUN OVER BY A GIANT VAN DRIVEN BY A PSYCHOTIC MORON- I will personally get out of the van the next time, I PROMISE YOU, and pull you out the window and throw you overboard. The guy who dove off the $20,000 Ducati to escape death would probably help me if the Gold wing Rider didn’t beat him to it. Also if the crowd of cyclists who were cowering behind their bikes decided to take matters into their own lithe and lean perfectly proportioned hands you’d be swimming to fucking Seattle, okay?

I’ve already written to Washington Dept of Transportation, The Bainbridge Island Ferry, The car pool you’re driving for and god. God was not busy. He and I had a nice talk while I was lying there getting chemotherapy. He really hates your driving and you are going to hell.

Also, when I pulled up next to you at the red light at Alaskan Way, did you happen to notice your shitty driving didn’t actually GET YOU ANYWHERE FASTER? No. There you were with the two other cars you passed doing 35 on the ferry deck, stuck right there in the carpool lane along with motorcyclists and bicyclists you endangered. Waiting with all of us…

And when you thoughtfully rolled down the window so I could tell you what I thought of you really loudly so your innocent passengers, who load when the ferry approaches Seattle and didnt witness your shit, could hear what they were in for, you responded in a breathy Marilyn Monroe voice ‘But I do it ALL the time. You have a nice day, now.’

You are SO lucky. Sooooo lucky the light changed at that very second cuz bitch I got a virtual get out of jail free card here. I would snatch you bald headed in one quick second and ya know what the sound track playing in my head would be…Stairway to Heaven. Yeah. Not cuz it’s appropriate, no. Not cuz I totally like it either. No it would be playing cuz it the longest song I know. Me and god agreed. It was Stairway to Heaven (he loves it) or American Pie-but we agreed we don’t want you to ruin either song, which you would. My personal vote for totally long song appropriate for a protracted beat down would be Thick as a Brick by Jethro Tull. Somehow appropriate, too. So we agreed on that.

That's RIGHT!

So, dimwit, look out. You got lucky a couple times here. If I see you on the ferry again next Friday, we’re going to talk. Just talk. That’s all.

But just in case, I’m bringing my iPod and its going to have all three songs on it.

Laura

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10 thoughts on “Thick as a Brick? Driving lessons for Morons

  1. Okay creme de month cracked me up, you react to things exactly like I do, and you suck at not get spiny. :). Heart you..keep it up and you’re gonna hijack my Main Man of the Week Friday post and it’ll be Main BROAD of the Week (you, ding a ling!). HAPPY FRIDAY!

  2. That is such a rockin’ feminist IDEA!
    I’m here drinking white wine and (whispers) Baileys Irish Cream and it’s totally HORRIBLE. But it’s what’s in the house- so I’ll take it, its Fryday. I’m allowed to fry those cells. Had to tune in the MJ to mellow me down…I waannnaa rock with you, all day…Billie jean and all that. I am happy. Right now.

    • Yes girl you get your Fryday on, you’ve earned especially for not strangling the carpool cow. Are you following my manservant, Chris, at The Dimwit Diary? Do it, if you aren’t, that boy will make you snort Bailey’s out your gorgeous nose. Better than Calgon to take you away! 🙂

  3. It would almost be worth buying a plane ticket to America just so I could be there as you throw her overboard. I feel every bit of your annoyance plus some more listening to you recount the story.

  4. There’s a line up Mr P…also, telling the story, it just gets more unbelievable and, well, funny. I admit it. You have to see the rude gestures. Plus I didn’t even mention the 83yr old Chinese lady trying to ‘help’ her son ‘park’ his car in the underground garage. Almost missed my appt mom and I were so reluctant to pass them by. Laugh riot.

There is no sin except stupidity.

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