Home » Cancer » The Beauty of Forgetting.

The Beauty of Forgetting.

Oatmeal cookies


Oatmeal cookies

Some days I can almost forget why I started writing this thing. This blog. Such a heavy handed word, blog. It sounds like Grendal’s cousin.

I forget because I can, sometimes. Cruising through the atmosphere. Looking at the photos, writing my comments, forgetting.

It feels good. I wish I had discovered this thing, this blog, when I still had the capacity for fun. Real fun. I wish I could have shown you what I was like.

The thing is, though, is I don’t think I knew what I was like before this. Stupid cancer. This thing. It’s the elephant in the room, here. I can see the pity sometimes. I’m trying to be matter of fact about it. But, I didn’t know either. I didn’t know how many people suffer. I just didn’t know. I thought ‘Oh, cancer. That’s bad.’ Or ‘ So young.’ Or ‘ Wow, her Mom!’ , just cut it off and try not to feel bad. Because there’s nothing I could do.

Then I got it. Really got the damned thing from every angle. Actually and intellectually, I got fucking cancer. Starting from stage 4, with no wriggle room. Starting with ‘ I’m sorry but…’

The best thing about this is that I found out that I was wrong. There was something I could have been doing all along. I could have been helping people like me. Nice, fun, wonderful, creative, loving people like me who just didn’t know what a slap down life can give you. Such a blow. Knowing, this late in life, that I could have done something. Just a little thing.

Like making soup and dropping it off, like Margaret does. Offering me the use of her ocean side hot tub, like Kate does. Giving me a gift card to the grocery store, walking my dog, coming to talk about anything but this thing, a 5lb bag of organic carrots for the juicer, meeting me for a beer at the pub, stopping by with your kid after a swim to eat oatmeal cookies and look at manicures…such little things. They are towering, gigantic achievements to me.

Sitting here at home, I get so tired sometimes, being here. So thank you, my friends. Thank you for overcoming your discomfort and uneasiness in the face of my very obvious, and getting more obvious, illness. Thank you to those people who didn’t know me well, who only heard of my diagnosis and joined together to offer me some solace and relief from my worry and fear. Who bring me wonderful gifts of company, conversation and advice.

Thank you to those of you here, who write such kind words, they really do help me forget. I can look and look and look at all the wonderful world scrolling past me and I can say thank you.

“Memory is the only afterlife I have ever believed in. But the forgetting inside us cannot be stopped. We are programmed to betray.”
― Michael Ignatieff, Scar Tissue

Because sometimes forgetting is the most wonderful thing in the world.

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5 thoughts on “The Beauty of Forgetting.

    • Isn’t it amazing wallpaper? That’s my brothers dining room. He and his wife are artists and just crammed full of good taste and information on how to indulge it.

  1. Laura, since the day I discovered your blog, everyday I wake up and think about reading one of your stories and want to strike a better day. I wish my brother in law who had liver cancer, who was like a real brother to me somehow, had enough time to write down his journey. He was a great painter and writer yet he didn’t have enough time to sit back and write all these feelings down. He didn’t have enough time. What you are doing is very meaningful and beautiful, i really feel connected, and I look up to you for the courage and the warrior you have in you. Sending you lots of my best wishes, and I look forward to reading more of what you share. Hang in there, Laura, hang in there! xox

    • Thank you, Hang. I’m so sorry to hear about your brother-in-law. It is very sad and frightening to lose someone so quickly. I, too, have suffered such a loss. I am always trying to be strong for my family and friends so I totally appreciate you checking in and writing. With you, I can be honest, right? Even if I’m kicking and screaming. It’s nice to think that there are people who are brave enough to read a post that contains such an ugly word as cancer. In fact I find it amazing anyone would read what I write. So thank you. All of you.

There is no sin except stupidity.

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