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Today I told…

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Today was the day I told. I really couldn’t put it off any longer. People had to be told.

What’s the best way to ruin someone’s day? Should I tell them what exactly is wrong? The misdiagnosis, the months of wondering what the hell was wrong. Should I be vague or should I be concise?

Should I just tell the bare facts. ” I hate to tell you but…I have cancer. Sorry to give you shitty news.”

Or maybe say “Listen. I love you. I really do. I have troubling news to share…” And then go on and on and on…trying to make sure they know I am going to be okay and that I’m fighting hard and I’m going to beat this. Cuz I don’t know that and I hate to bullshit around.

And who? Who deserves a personal heads up? Who is going to hear it from someone else and think ‘Shit. Why didn’t she tell me?’ So I tried to tell the people I love, even if I haven’t talked to them for awhile. And I asked them to tell the people that know me who might want to…I don’t know. Know. So maybe in the next day or so I will post this on Facebook. HA. Where’s the etiquette there? I just want this off my plate now. I just want everyone who cares to know, to know.
This way I don’t have to write anymore ‘gee I have some bad news to share…’ letters and wonder who I forgot. Chemo brain. I probably wrote to someone twice and someone else not at all.

I feel wired still. Fucking drugs.

The dogs are in the kitchen. I can hear them. I should get up and put away whatever it is they are after. Probably the cat food. Or the banana bread. I’m just too tired though. And it sounds funny, truthfully. There are patterings and claw scrabblings and the cat just meowed and sounded right pissed off. It’s gonna be a mess out there. I really should get up. There. Something just hit the floor kind of softly. I think they think they are being stealthy. I’ll bet they are sneaking the cat food bowls off the counter where they are waiting to be washed.

Anyway, I’m tired. Not like I can sleep tired. Just tired of writing to people. Tired of being sick. Tired of now knowing that I am going to have to talk about it more, not less. I told almost everyone to please just wait until I post this WordPress site and if they want to know what happened or how my treatment is going they can come here. I’m here for that very reason. To talk about it. Just…just not tonight. Maybe never. Maybe if they come here, I’ll change my writing. Maybe I’ll try to make them feel better. Hide my fear. My sickness. I don’t have to hide from you. You know, don’t you? Or you want the truth.

Tonight I was going to just post pictures of the things I like. Make me feel better. But you know it feels good to write like this. Some nights. Maybe not tonight though.

I feel like I’d better put that banana bread away.

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2 thoughts on “Today I told…

  1. It’s crazy to me that society has a way of placing the stress of expectation over situations like this. I always think it’s up to the person who they tell and how. I hope anyone close to me knows that the last thing they have to worry about is my feelings when it comes to sharing a matter of personal struggle.

    • I’ve put it off. The stress of expectation is only worse when you know there are good friends out there who may get blindsided by the news. I like to be the ‘Tatie Laura’ to the brothers kids. Just Laura to my friends. Society, to me, is a personal approach to politeness. ‘ Lets not hurt each other.’ Such a nice motto. But, Kiwi, it is a fact that I’ve put aside other people’s feelings here, in this place. This place has no expectations that you will be coddled and mollified and made to feel good. Here I promised myself the truth. If my friends and family need soft words and reassurance, I can do that too. Sometimes. But not here.
      Unless its funny. People can be funny without meaning to be so you are warned…If you do something funny, you will be targeted, friend or family.

There is no sin except stupidity.

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