So I noticed tonight that there seem to be a lot of posts on Facebook about people dying of cancer, getting cancer, brave words in pretty script about how hard and mean cancer is, pics of people so sick it makes me cry. From fear. I’m not some brave fucking warrior princess. No karmic Buddha spirit. I’m scared and I’m almost always worried about myself and my family.
I don’t want to die.
There. I said it. I admit it. Everyone who tells me ‘You’re going to beat this, you can do it, you just have to believe!’ I don’t know WHERE that comes from. What belief? I’m scared shitless. I’m trying so hard to believe I can do this. I’m trying for you.
I’m just tired. It’s hard to sleep and I’m tired of being awake and where did those pics come from? There was one of a dying lady and they let her have her cat in the hospital to sleep with her. Do people know what it’s like for US PEOPLE! We HAVE cancer. You may think its touching to see a dying cancer victim with her kitty. I don’t. It freaks me the FUCK OUT! I want to out live my cat. And my dog.
Yes. I’m positive there was a positive thought behind that pic but maybe you should really think about what you post, okay? Cuz I go on Facebook to see my friends faces, vacations, kids and pets. To see all the life happening that has nothing to do with cancer.
I like pics of the poor bald kids, the 14 yr old with leukemia, the mothers dying, the stupid fucking WASTE of cancer. I hit ‘like’? Really.
No more. I don’t want to see it. I can’t believe in my survival if I can’t dream without having this reality shoved into my face. It’s already there. 23 hours and 45 minutes of every day it’s pretty much there. I knocked 15 minutes off it, yesterday at my picnic. I forgot for 15 minutes I could die.
Because I’m trying so hard. I eat right, I drink water, I take my poison, I juice, I exercise and I TRY TO BELIEVE. I try to forget, so I can believe.
So please. People. Stop scaring me. I believe. I believe. I believe.