Home » Chemotherapy » Don’t ‘like’ it. Think about it.

Don’t ‘like’ it. Think about it.

So I noticed tonight that there seem to be a lot of posts on Facebook about people dying of cancer, getting cancer, brave words in pretty script about how hard and mean cancer is, pics of people so sick it makes me cry. From fear. I’m not some brave fucking warrior princess. No karmic Buddha spirit. I’m scared and I’m almost always worried about myself and my family.

I don’t want to die.

There. I said it. I admit it. Everyone who tells me ‘You’re going to beat this, you can do it, you just have to believe!’ I don’t know WHERE that comes from. What belief? I’m scared shitless. I’m trying so hard to believe I can do this. I’m trying for you.

I’m just tired. It’s hard to sleep and I’m tired of being awake and where did those pics come from? There was one of a dying lady and they let her have her cat in the hospital to sleep with her. Do people know what it’s like for US PEOPLE! We HAVE cancer. You may think its touching to see a dying cancer victim with her kitty. I don’t. It freaks me the FUCK OUT! I want to out live my cat. And my dog.

Yes. I’m positive there was a positive thought behind that pic but maybe you should really think about what you post, okay? Cuz I go on Facebook to see my friends faces, vacations, kids and pets. To see all the life happening that has nothing to do with cancer.

I like pics of the poor bald kids, the 14 yr old with leukemia, the mothers dying, the stupid fucking WASTE of cancer. I hit ‘like’? Really.

No more. I don’t want to see it. I can’t believe in my survival if I can’t dream without having this reality shoved into my face. It’s already there. 23 hours and 45 minutes of every day it’s pretty much there. I knocked 15 minutes off it, yesterday at my picnic. I forgot for 15 minutes I could die.

Because I’m trying so hard. I eat right, I drink water, I take my poison, I juice, I exercise and I TRY TO BELIEVE. I try to forget, so I can believe.

So please. People. Stop scaring me. I believe. I believe. I believe.

My little Pan d'Amore

My little Pan d’Amore

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5 thoughts on “Don’t ‘like’ it. Think about it.

  1. I hope others come across this message and take it on board. Often I think the way we without cancer act ends up being more about making ourselves feel better and in the process it can have the effect of trivialising the reality for sufferers. There’s always room to do better and sometimes it needs an unvarnished take like this to help drive the message home.

    • Too true. I’m having trouble sleeping and it doesn’t make it easy to be forgiving. I haven’t even told anyone outside of my family and co- workers ( obviously they had to know when i left my job) My best friends from years and years don’t know I’m at stage 4. I started this blog so I could tell the truth about how I feel and now I’m afraid I’ll scare my Mom etc. if she reads this. Stupid. Oddly, it does feel good to write about it.

      Time to tell my friends though. I just don’t want to talk about it ad nauseum. But my hair is going and I am starting to look odd so…

      LOVE your blog btw. Food pics are gorgeous and the writing makes me want a teriyaki dog. Not to go on forever but my favorite hot dog stand was in Hollywood, where I grew up. It was called Oki Dog and it was a Japanese hot dog stand on the corner of Vista and Santa Monica. Just down the street from our house. Still there last I checked. From grade 4 until I moved away during the riots, I ate there every chance I got. Weird favorite was a tortilla smeared with refried beans, cheese, fried onions, teriyaki sauce and two long long hotdogs rolled up inside and grilled on a flat iron, greasy stove.So delicious.

      Or the hot dog rolled in a teriyaki thin cut steak and stuffed in a hoagie bun and topped with peppers and onions. Oh I’m so hungry right now.

      Anyway, thanks for the remark. I appreciate it, Laura

      • I think I’m like you, I don’t really like to go on and on about something, but I have learned over the years the value of legitimising what you’re going through by putting it out there. Easier said that done when it comes to finding a safe environment, but being able to vent, to send a message that you have a right to feel the way you do, I think that’s important.

        That Japanese hot dog vendor sounds fantastic, especially the tortilla. Sometimes the most unlikely combinations are so delicious.

  2. I hear you. we had a cancer sufferer in our family too and I know that it scares the hell out of you, I also know it scares the hell out of us – those family members who want to be there but sometimes doesn’t know what to do (or don’t) to make you feel better. I know about this fear! Thanks for sharing your thoughts, cos they are important! Think of happy thoughts to scare those scares away!

    The world needs more happy pictures these days I know!

    • Thank you, Hang. It is so nice to hear from someone who has been there. I know my family is frightened, too. This is why I write here and sometimes sound sad. I keep my positive thoughts for them. To keep them calm and unworried. With you, I can share. And I appreciate your visiting.

      LOVE your blog, btw! The picture of that pizza had me giggling…

There is no sin except stupidity.

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