I woke up feeling like crap. Truly. Now, I’ve always thought that having the flu was bad. Pneumonia was worse. A broken foot, a broken tooth- they all suck. But day 2 after chemo!? That really is the shittiest feeling. Why is that?
Friday I was just blah and mad about missing Le Fournil. Slept most of Saturday away and missed my sisters birthday. But who knew waking up on Sunday you could actually feel worse the farther away you get from the pretty poison?
But let me tell you what I found out today. It just takes a little shove to get you going in the right direction.
Which brings me to Rule #4: Get some support! I’m luckier than I ever thought I would be. I have more friends than I ever thought I had. My family has totally amazed me. It’s not that I thought they didn’t care, it’s that they care so much. My co-workers are supportive and practical and they tell me they miss me. It means so much to hear that, when you sometimes think you’re just another smiling face?
So find some people. They are there, whether its an online community for ovarian cancer or a volunteer organization to help you complete paperwork (oh my GOD-the paperwork! That’s a whole ‘nother blog) The hospital can refer you to support groups and hook you up with a great looking wig. Well, I, personally, loved my gray hair but now I have an ashy blonde number. Looks wiggy, to me. Anyway, thats not what I’m going on about. Wigs are a later-much later- bitch. Your food bank can keep you eating and Welfare can help with food stamps and if I can swallow my f-ing pride, and it wasn’t easy, and ask them for help, then so can you. Do it with dignity. Tell the truth and hope for the best. Even the Federal Gov’t is doing a stand up job helping me find money-not that I’ve gotten any, but the pencil pushers are sending me the correct forms and following up. It’s not easy to try and get through this without physically pulling all my hair out worrying. Cuz you know I’m going to lose it all, god damnit. Pisses me off every time I think of it. And my eyebrows! Oh, here we go with the whining, you knew it was coming.
The thing is, what got me out of my pukey, crappy, ‘I’m so tired and I JUST woke up’ feeling was a little, tiny 6 sentence e mail from my brother, Dean.
It said “Be strong, keep your dignity. Fight. It’s all you. You got shitty deal. Play it into a good hand. Just do it.”
So I did it, damn it all! I pulled out the 10 page, extremely complicated, nosy Parker form from social security and I filled it all out and I mailed it, along with the rent cheque and I got in my car with my dog, Haida and we drove off the drizzly Island and into sunshine. Port Townsend was gorgeous, I drank 40 oz of water there and back. I bought Haida a chicken tender from a gas station and I didn’t want one myself because its crap food. I ignored the limp pizza under the heat lamp in Pt Townsend and I bought some blueberries from Safeway and sat on a log and watched my dog play on the beach.
So thank you, Dean. You were my rock today.