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What I Got…


This thing is a perfect example of wishful thinking. Which brings me to rule, what is it? Rule#2: Don’t let wishful thinking get you down. It’s good to dream and wishful thinking and dreaming are close to the same thing. So if your dream turns into a nasty warm eclair, just remember that you can always wish for another eclair, another day, another chance to get it right. It’s just a little wish.

Yesterday I spent hours -not exaggerating, really hours-looking at French pastries. I was going to have a REAL pastry. Not full of guar gum, fillers and fructose. My pastry was going to be 100% authentic French deliciousness. I checked Yelp and found some truly amazing bakeries close to the hospital. But here’s the kicker. I found a REAL patisserie less than a mile away.
It’s called Le Fournil. They have Mille Feuilles, they have Chou la creme, chocolate eclairs with dark dark chocolate and thick, fresh unsweetened cream inside, there are fruit tarts,there are opera cakes and opera cakes are NOT EASY TO FIND. Layers of coffee butter cream and chocolate mousseline, separated by thin layers of almond sponge cake and topped with a hard chocolate. Or a pear tart, a sugar dough tart filled with chocolate, almond cream and pears poached in rosemary? Sounds so good.

I also told Mom and Liza about the Portage Bay Cafe. With Challah French Toast, and a topping bar so you can load up your pancakes or oatmeal or French toast with real fresh blueberries and strawberries and blackberries. They have Bananas Foster. For BREAKFAST! There are Dungeness crab eggs Benedict with avocado, wild salmon omelette…real breakfast. See I thought they would be ME! Craving sweets, fresh berries, maple syrup, butter and salty ham, croissants and cappuccinos. Eat there while I chemo and then take ME TO LE FOURNIL!!!! Why would’nt you do that for someone? Its only 1/2 a mile away and on the way home too. Of course they would do this for me.

I’ve been juicing. Green juicing, soy milk, rice milk tapioca pudding made with stevia for dessert, coconut water-lemme tell ya is thatever an acquired taste. I look so damn heathy my oncologist hugged me! Dr. Thrall shook my hand. So today, just this ONE day. My first chemotherapy, I can have sweets. They said. I was PROMISED ,at the very least, cheesecake.

I did my god damned a thousand times chemotherapy for the first time. I got up at 3:45am, with Liza and Mom and we got the ferry, I was the first one in the admissions dept. I had the port put in with only a little local anathesia cream rubbed on the spot and it did hurt, so what ever they tell you don’t believe them. Jack was nice, he gave me a ‘happy drug’ so I didn’t mind the pain until it wore off. About hour 1 into the chemo drugs. Good job. I didn’t mind because I was going to have an eclair and eat that and then decide about buying any or all of the other pastry for Liza’s birthday, which is tomorrow

In my dreams I was drinking a cappuccino and dipping a biscotti in it while I choose. Maybe have a croque Monsieur, too. I FUCKING WELL SAT THERE GETTING CHEMO AND FILLING OUT MY TO GO ORDER AND LOOKING AT PICTURES!

Then Mom and Liza told me the plan didn’t include Le Fournil. No. The plan included them going to eat at Agua Verde and having margaritas and tacos, while I ordered hospital food. On a tray. So I had a grilled chicken sandwich on a stale bun, limp lettuce, onions that had been cut yesterday, one of those oddly colored tomatoes that are purplish and mealy, packet of no name mayo, some Bulls eye BBQ sauce (the worst choice out there as it is so sweet it tastes like, ya know, there really is no way to describe that taste….interesting. I’ll think on it) anywho…the Caesar salad was warmish romaine, stale croutons and a blob of dressing and they left the plate under the heat lamp so it was like a hot Caesar salad. I’ve had those and, done right, they are really quite tasty. This one was’nt tasty. So now I’m sad. My food indulgence day has turned to crap, literally right in front of me. Chemo changes your taste buds while you are on it. Chemo gives you mouth sores and no appetite. So I had a bad case of wishful thinking where I ate delicious things.

What I wanted and what I got were so far apart. Wishful thinking? I wish.

I wanted a good year. Just one good year. I downsized my wishing. This year please don’t get laid off for 3 months in the winter and get mysteriously sick and get evicted from our moldy house in the fall and have to find a new one in 1 month (2012) Please don’t give me a promotion and then yank it out from under my feet when the union bumps me back down when a store closes and senior meat cutters need my position, leading to my lay off (2011) Don’t let my animals vanish, Budo and Mimi and Kissaki- (2010) Don’t let my car break down a week before my first vacation in YEARS (and I still haven’t gotten reverse fixed or taken a vacation) so my vacation was cancelled and I missed my best friends wedding.(2009) Shawn died. My best bud who I miss every day (2008) and in the years before…heartbreak, true love, motorcycles, bonfires, bitterness, anxiety, depression, great friends found and lost, kisses, dancing and singing…so yeah. I think wishful thinking leads to all kinds of good things, maybe just not what you expect.

Now lets see?….grateful too. But I feel sick right now. I’ll count my blessings later. And wish for more.


20130301-184230.jpg. THIS is an almond croissants! Want to cry but at least I got a crappy, lousy uncrisp, non-flaky god damned croissant, right!? And a so-called eclair covered in supr sweet icing goo and filled with VANILLA PUDDING! ( I should fire them all-just walk in and shout ‘YOU’RE ALL FIRED! ‘)

It wasn’t what I wanted but it was kind of in the ball park. They were spelled the same.


There is no sin except stupidity.

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